These essays are an exercise in the use of satire, hyperbole, and overstatement by developing writers.
They are intended to be humorous, not offensive. Read them closely; take them lightly.

Monday, February 1, 2010


Aidan Eljumaily

Upon examination of Cardinal Newman students, they will appear odd, yet they will have many interesting traits about them. Other than kid’s wondering about what grades they’re going to get, Cardinal Newman of all ages are determined to look as stylin’ as possible. What good are grades to anyone when you can go to the mall, get some great deals, and walk into a party lookin fresh? Why is getting into a good college exciting when you can get some crazy rad Nikes and get an amount of compliments larger than your GPA? Truth is, Cardinal Newman students like looking good.

Newman is seen as a manly school, one with sports and academics, pride and success. Yet one little tuft of hair sticking out the wrong way or one “flat tire” that messes up the arrangement of pant legs on shoes and a Newman dude becomes unhinged! In fact some are more vain than the local male hairstylist, NOT the one that sits there talking about how much he hates his job. The one talking about his new of Abercrombie and Fitch outfit.

There will be times when you see the odd student walking by in some old jeans, maybe some khaki shorts, and an old pair of shoes. These times are rare though. Mostly, we are chillin with two pairs of nike socks, some nice kicks, and walking around with our pants on the ground and a nice little strut about us.  Another thing that only the upper tier of stylish Cardinal Newman students rock is the Sweater Vest, or swirt. Many will at first rag on these vests, or swirts, and claim these people to be “a joke”. Yet something comes over them. They feel hypocritical. The undeniable need and want to wear this attire comes over them, but their self-esteem does not allow them to. That is why only on special occasions you see a Newman student confident enough to walk about with these vests.

Also, the bottom half of a student’s wardrobe would be quite a sight for someone not clued in. For the average Newman student, though, it just seems logical. Why not wear two pairs of socks instead of one? Pants? Well they do have to wear pants, but who really needs them? They’ll just bend the rules a bit and keep those around their knees as much as possible. Therefore, these students achieve maximum insulation around the lower area of their legs.

Once they have at least two pairs of socks on and a pair of jeans under their butt cheeks, these kids seek to find a sick pair of sneaks and a savvy strut to go with them. There are many different ways a walk can be performed. They sometimes go with the pigeon toed walk, where the feet are just a bit tilted inside to give off the essence of cool. Some can even pull off the cocky-walk, where only the coolest of cool strut about with their hands in their pockets, lifting up their pants every fourth step, only to push said pants back down to the original position.

I hope that after reading this, one would find that one of the things most Cardinal Newman students hold dear is their looks, their style. So the next time you see a Newman Student walking around, don’t admire him for the care and attention he gives to his grades, sports, and community service. Admire him for his style. Because just like you, he spent an hour before school tucking in his shirt haphazardly and messing up his hair in a way that looks like he just got out of bed.

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Comments are encouraged. Each will be reviewed by Mr. Smith before posting. Any comments that are mean spirited or use inappropriate language toward the school or its students will not be posted. I especially welcome compliments, constructive criticism, questions, or general feedback on the essay.