These essays are an exercise in the use of satire, hyperbole, and overstatement by developing writers.
They are intended to be humorous, not offensive. Read them closely; take them lightly.

Monday, February 1, 2010

Offending Teams at Sporting Events

Nick Bailey

All high schools throughout the country promote “good sportsmanship”, and Cardinal Newman High School is no different. This skill is so important to Cardinal Newman faculty, but not the students. One of their favorite hobbies is based directly on their desire to occasionally not be “Christian gentlemen” -- offending opposing teams at sporting events.

Naturally, Cardinal Newman students do not get offended easily by insults from other schools due to their great sportsmanship, yet the students have mastered the art of frustrating their opponents so much that their rivals want to just give up on life. This unique combination of being non-offendable and somewhat offensive at the same time makes Cardinal Newman a tough place for other teams to win games, and a fun place for any Cardinal Newman student to watch a sporting event.

It is important to note that while Cardinal Newman students cause their opponents to develop extremely low confidence in themselves and the schools they attend, the students are not directly insulting the opponents. There is a huge difference between the chants “Your Team Sucks!” and “Na Na Na Na, Hey Hey, Goodbye!” One comes from a school of self-centered, hateful kids who have no respect for anybody, and the other comes from Cardinal Newman. The students are clever enough to simply suggest that the other team will lose, not plainly state it. In this way, Cardinal Newman respects the feelings of other students while insulting them at the same time.

Previously mentioned, Cardinal Newman students have a strategy to what they do. The students have a variety of chants ready to use at all times, and also a pack of seniors nearby to make up things to say if they run out. However, this poses a chance for error if somehow a senior really is not paying attention and starts a “Defense!” chant when the Cardinal Newman team is actually on offense. If this error occurs, the Cardinal Newman squad quickly ends the chant and starts a new one, such as “This Game’s Over!”.

An interesting point to note is that Cardinal Newman students are their most offensive if the opposing school starts cheering the “Our School’s Free!” chant. This will start the famous “Your Dad Works for Our Dad!”, but teachers pop out from the crowd and give an evil look while yelling at us to zip it.

If you ever need to befriend a Cardinal Newman student, one of the easiest ways to do this is to get up from your team’s cheering section, walk over to the Cardinal Newman section, and start cheering for the Cardinal Newman team. (Note: this will not work if you go to Newman and try to cheer for the opposing team; you will get beat up. There is no avoiding it.) If you want to make an enemy out of Cardinal Newman, start cheering and try to be louder than Newman. You will find this impossible, and extremely embarrassing when you fail.

1 comment:

  1. Wow what an amazing piece of writing. This work of art just blew my socks off. The author must be a genius!


Comments are encouraged. Each will be reviewed by Mr. Smith before posting. Any comments that are mean spirited or use inappropriate language toward the school or its students will not be posted. I especially welcome compliments, constructive criticism, questions, or general feedback on the essay.