These essays are an exercise in the use of satire, hyperbole, and overstatement by developing writers.
They are intended to be humorous, not offensive. Read them closely; take them lightly.

Monday, February 1, 2010

Taco Bell

Devon Holmes

For Newman students, there is no tastier meal than a hot, greasy, saturated in fat taco from Taco Bell. These unhealthy tacos are the basis of all Cardinal Newman students’ diets. Without Taco Bell, Newman students would look pale and weak, not to mention they would probably weigh fifteen pounds less. Newman students love Taco Bell so much because it is cheap, fast, and the chain’s huge menu lets customers try something new each time they go there. And at some Taco Bells, you have the opportunity to order a Pizza Hut pizza, in case you are not in the mood for taco greatness. At Cardinal Newman, you are considered lame if you do not eat regularly at Taco Bell.

The most popular item on the Taco Bell menu for Newman students is the Crunchwrap Supreme. Newman students love this item so much because it’s portability allows customers to multi-task while they eat. It is true, they are “good to go” as the Taco Bell commercial claims. Not only is this item delicious and portable, it is also only $2.50. For being rich, Newman kids are very careful with their money. In fact, they are so careful with their money that they would rather spend $5 at Taco Bell, than drive their $40,000 cars across the street to Jaliscos to get some real authentic Mexican food for $10. Is saving the 5 dollars on grease soaked tacos really worth the years of heart failure they will experience when they turn 40? Cardinal Newman students think it is more than worth it.

Taco Bell is the place to go after football games or basketball games. There is always at least one group of Newman students ordering some delicious cuisine after a game. On other days, you are very likely to find a pair of Newman students involved in a “bromance,” sitting together at their favorite booth by the window, sharing the same bean and cheese burrito Lady and the Tramp style. If you are unfortunate enough to witness this, don’t be alarmed. This is a normal occurrence at the Santa Rosa Junior College Taco Bell.

Newman students without a doubt are the best at ordering their food at Taco Bell. Because many workers at Taco Bell don’t speak English, Newman students have learned to communicate with the workers using their own secret language. After years of ordering at Taco Bell, Newman students and Taco Bell workers have developed a deep understanding of each other. This deep understanding allows Newman students to successfully order their food by simply using hand motions. Others have tried to imitate the Newman way of ordering at Taco Bell, but have failed historically.

There is no denying it; to Newman students, Taco Bell is a five star restaurant that can be enjoyed on any occasion, whether it is a midnight snack or a fancy dinner that you might take your homecoming date to. If you are a girl seeking the heart of a Newman student, be sure to take him to Taco Bell on your first date. The Newman student will look at you with wonder and awe, and know that you are the girl he has been waiting for his whole life. Don’t complain if the Newman student starts taking you to Taco Bell every day. If he had to choose between you and his Crunchwrap Supreme, he will most certainly pick the Crunchwrap Supreme.

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Comments are encouraged. Each will be reviewed by Mr. Smith before posting. Any comments that are mean spirited or use inappropriate language toward the school or its students will not be posted. I especially welcome compliments, constructive criticism, questions, or general feedback on the essay.