These essays are an exercise in the use of satire, hyperbole, and overstatement by developing writers.
They are intended to be humorous, not offensive. Read them closely; take them lightly.

Monday, February 1, 2010

Going Shirtless

Nolan Sheahan

Going shirtless is a terrible fad sweeping across Cardinal Newman. In and around the gym is the center of this catastrophe. Going towards the school’s lockers less and less victims of false truths about their bodies wander aimlessly. What could be the source of such a predicament? Newman students have been led to believe that the more skin they show the more attracted the ladies will be to them. Since all the guys who really do have abs are flashing them, other guys with no muscle what-so-ever feel the need to do the same. Also, the guys at Newman, want to get out of their dress code enforced collared shirts so much that they’ll just wear no shirt instead.

If you ever happen to see a shirtless sweaty student outside Cardinal Newman just understand that this is a perfectly normal occurrence and continue walking without making eye contact. If, however, you end up in the unfortunate case of making eye contact with the shirtless student look away quickly. If you hold the gaze be ready to receive a bombardment of lame lingo like, ”sup dude” or, “how’s it hanging bro.” Newman students think that showing off more skin will attract female from Ursuline. This actually does not work. This technique usually just makes girls want to leave because the guys without shirts are usually covered in sweat and smell like B.O. Do not come within arms reach of a sweaty shirtless guy because he will probably go for a man hug, even if you don’t want one.

The girls who actually like this shirtlessness are under two categories: ones who have boyfriends, and desperate single girls. The girls with boyfriends have a legitimate reason to hang out with a shirtless guy. They just want to make their boyfriend feel like a manly guy. Now the desperate single girls have no excuse to hang out around the shirtless guys. The guys are sweaty and smell terrible, why hug them? The minds of both guy and girl are hard to understand sometimes.

Newman students who like going shirtless so much they will do it even when called “gay,” “fag,” or other politically incorrect names. The irony is that homophobic Newman students love wearing no shirt even though it can be easily mistaken as slightly homosexual.

Here are a few rules that should go for going shirtless, if you have abs it’s absolutely fine to show them off. If you do not have abs, however, wear a shirt. Matt Damon—shirt off, John Goodman— shirt on. This line should have been discovered a long time ago. It’s also fine to go shirtless if you’re just off of a hard work out that involved manly activities like lifting random stuff, running long distances uphill and, of course, skipping rope. Which everyone knows is like totally hetero. Just think, do I really want to take my shirt off in front of all these guys? If your answer is no, great job, stay at your current high school and just accept this as the way Newman runs things.

So for all you guys without shirts on please look down and seriously consider if you should put one on.


  1. Nolan I would add an item to your short "fine to go shirtless if you're..." list: reading great literature on a park bench on a summer day. Perfect posting. Thanks for setting a good example for the 32 boys to follow you. Also, thanks to you, I looked down, got self-conscious and decided to put my shirt back on.

  2. This is the best piece of literature that i have ever read in my life. This man is a genius. Thank you for posting this blog Nolan Sheahan it changed my life in ways you couldn't believe :).


Comments are encouraged. Each will be reviewed by Mr. Smith before posting. Any comments that are mean spirited or use inappropriate language toward the school or its students will not be posted. I especially welcome compliments, constructive criticism, questions, or general feedback on the essay.