These essays are an exercise in the use of satire, hyperbole, and overstatement by developing writers.
They are intended to be humorous, not offensive. Read them closely; take them lightly.

Monday, February 1, 2010


Alex Genung

Everyone in the whole world fancies a specific type of drink. Mexicans like margaritas, Germans like beer, and Russians love vodka. Cardinal Newman can't drink those so they drink Coke.

Yes, in other schools kids like tea, coffee, or other fizzy drinks, but Cardinal Newman students just like Coke because of its wonderful taste, the bubbly sensation in their mouths, and the caffeine buzz to help you stay awake in English class. All school officials of Newman  know this, so they installed machines to sell over-priced Coke products knowing kids will buy them. Kids don’t have any real experience in finding a bargain in the real world and can’t tell what is a good price or not only if the thing they are finding is at all tasty. Kids quickly fork over two dollars to CafĂ© Merci, the cafeteria company, for a bottled twenty-ounce Coke. They prey on Cardinal Newman students desperation and addiction to Coke. Almost every day I hear someone saying, “I am so thirsty man. I am going to get a Coke.” Also I hear, “I am broke,” followed by, “Can I get a sip of that? I will water fall into my mouth.” (See Rob Roy’s paper on “Mooching”) And I find that amusing because most Cardinal Newman students don’t have any real source of income other than their weekly allowance from their parents.

These are some of the different types of Coke: Coke, Diet Coke, Coke Zero, Cherry flavored Coke. (Which tastes like cough syrup if you ask me.) Drinking regular Coke at Newman establishes that you as an average guy. If you drink Diet Coke it clarifies you as an Ursuline HS girl because it is diet so you supposedly want to keep your figure lean. If you drink Coke Zero you are a vain guy that is worried about his looks constantly. (See Aidan’s paper on “Vanity”)

If you want to be socially accepted, buy a Cardinal Newman students a Coke.  It may just be the start of a lovely bromance or at least you will get a hug.

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Comments are encouraged. Each will be reviewed by Mr. Smith before posting. Any comments that are mean spirited or use inappropriate language toward the school or its students will not be posted. I especially welcome compliments, constructive criticism, questions, or general feedback on the essay.