These essays are an exercise in the use of satire, hyperbole, and overstatement by developing writers.
They are intended to be humorous, not offensive. Read them closely; take them lightly.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Having Redneck Friends

Marc Chicoine

Rednecks are a dying breed. In the North Bay, an area of agriculture and suburban towns, they seem to be going extinct. The few remaining rednecks native to the area flock to Cardinal Newman. Not only do Cardinal Newman kids accept them, they embrace them with open arms.

Every Newman kid wants to either be or know a redneck because knowing rednecks has incredible benefits. For example, Rednecks always have alcohol on tap in their truck and they also tend to throw great parties. You can learn to shoot a gun when you hang with a redneck since they go hunting instinctively. If you are or become even slightly redneck, your classmates glorify you because being a redneck comes with a title. You automatically become the “go to guy” for crazy parties, even when your parties are little more than a few friends hanging out and drinking bud light while complaining about illegal immigration. Yet another benefit to having a redneck friend is their knowledge of how to fix cars and other motor vehicles. Also they are always willing to give you a ride after school in their big trucks.

If we look closer, we see that students are not the only people that enjoy rednecks. Newman teachers and coaches often like rednecks because they tend to be good at football. Some Redneck families specially breed their boys for Cardinal Newman football; they are taught how to play at a young age. Rednecks also undergo early strength training by making hay bails on the farm and pushing broken down trucks.

If you don’t wish to be a full redneck, but still wish to have the glorification of being one, then the number of rednecks you know at Newman is crucial. Here is a user-friendly guide to the type of Newman student based on the number of rednecks he knows at Newman.

1 Redneck: A single redneck friend means you’re probably preppy. Little to no experience with parties or drinking. Stick to tennis, not football.

2 Rednecks: There’s probably a bit of hick in you. You may like hunting and having others accompany you. You may also be an avid partygoer.

3 Rednecks: You're definitely half redneck. You probably own a Chevy. Have you ever chewed tobacco?

4 Rednecks: You probably idolize Larry The Cable Guy, and have been accepted as a bonified redneck, and idolized by the rich, preppy Cardinal Newman students.

5+ Redcecks: You are probably a popular Newman football player, or you're trailer trash.

1 comment:

  1. ...clever ... but it strikes home ... as one born and raised in Kalispell, Montana my college buddies at Notre Dame considered me their token redneck friend ... ;-) Mr. T.


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