These essays are an exercise in the use of satire, hyperbole, and overstatement by developing writers.
They are intended to be humorous, not offensive. Read them closely; take them lightly.

Thursday, February 4, 2010


 Lucas Bilbro

Cardinal Newman High School is an all boys high school that is known for its intense athletics and manly student body. These attributes make it extremely ironic that a favorite pastime of Newman students is hugging, specifically bro-hugs. Two six foot something, sweaty football players sharing a warm embrace outside the weight room is not something that you would encounter in your average high school. At Cardinal Newman it is the norm; Newman students love to hug it out.

There is a specific protocol that is followed in “bro-hugs”. You can execute the handshake that becomes a hug. This is a quicker, manlier hug because the two participants bump off each other’s chest muscles while the handshake acts as a barrier to distance one bro from another. Or, you can rock a more traditional hug, but you must diagonally interlock your arms so that neither participant’s arms are around the other’s waist, the position that a girl would be in if it were an orthodox heterosexual embrace.

If you encounter a Newman student and you wish to initiate a hug, you should precede the hug with a friendly greeting or phrase such as, “What’s up broseph?” or, “What’s crackin’ brochahontas.” If you use a witty variation of the word bro in you pre-hug greeting (such as broski, broseph, brokalater, brochahontas, or broflannigan) it significantly increases your chance of social acceptance. If you wish for your hug to say, “We are the best of friends,” you can precede your hug with, “I love you man.” But, you must never say “I love you.” You must end the phrase with “man” if you intend to be perceived as a sensitive heterosexual and not of a sexual preference that is less socially acceptable at Cardinal Newman.

There are also physical techniques that can be used to deepen the emotional meaning of your bro-hug. A gentle head cradle is a timeless classic akin to the dual handed clasp handshake used by those of older generations. Note: this gesture is mostly reserved for more meaningful relationships such as bromances. But be wary that you don’t go too far with any extra physical subtleties. No matter the circumstances, no matter how powerful your feelings are for your bro, pelvis contact is not acceptable.

Whether it’s a casual greeting or an expression of manly love, hugs are an everyday feature of Cardinal Newman life. Cardinal Newman students are not “gay”; they are just comfortable enough with their sexuality that a warm embrace with another bro is seen as the equivalent of a fist bump or a high five. Newman students love to hug it out and they are proud of it.


  1. Very humourous, and deftly written. And the illustration is perfect. I sure wish I had Mr. Smith for my ninth grade honours english teacher.

  2. Wow. Your students are very talented. Lucas B's manhug entry was particularly brilliant: that guy's writing is pro-level.

  3. Woa. This website is legit, just like Stuff White People Like or something like that. I can't believe you are in high school. I know exactly the stuff you are talking about, these catholic bro schools are everywhere. Keep up the good work - let the scathing irony continue!


Comments are encouraged. Each will be reviewed by Mr. Smith before posting. Any comments that are mean spirited or use inappropriate language toward the school or its students will not be posted. I especially welcome compliments, constructive criticism, questions, or general feedback on the essay.