These essays are an exercise in the use of satire, hyperbole, and overstatement by developing writers.
They are intended to be humorous, not offensive. Read them closely; take them lightly.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Immature Comedies

Ben Buse

Students at Cardinal Newman are very different from one another, but they share one common obsession: immature movies. If you are interested in having lively conversations with Cardinal Newman students, you must be ready to fire off a couple of quotes from an immature comedy or risk having your conversations turn out to be totally lame and your reputation all but destroyed.

To prepare yourself with an encounter with a Newman student you must understand what exactly counts as an immature movie. Examples are Harold and Kumar, The Hangover and pretty much anything with Seth Rogan or Will Ferrell, two actors that star in many immature comedies. If you come across a movie, but are unsure if it’s counts as a immature comedy, ask yourself one question. Would a girl watch this? If not, it is safe to quote.

When having a conversation with a group of Newman students you must be precise when it comes to using your quotes. After a kid tells a story, it is good to throw in a “Hey, that reminds me of a scene from___________” (insert an immature movie and recite your quote). If someone else beat you to this, it is good to say another quote from the same movie. It makes you sound in-the-know because you demonstrate you are well-versed in the best films. Soon everyone will be reciting quotes and you will be accepted into their group.

A way to meet new friends at Cardinal Newman is to simply know their favorite immature movie. If you can possess this knowledge, they’ll start talking about the movie and other stupid and immature stuff. If you find his talk funny and amusing it is recommended that you transfer to Cardinal Newman to be with more of your kind. If you have more refined movie tastes however, do your best to look interested. Try to find common ground by quoting the least mature comedies you have seen.

One final lesson is to never quote too much from one movie. If you do so, the students will call you obsessed and shun you. It is not cool to know any one movie too well. That’s dorky. If you have only seen one immature comedy, you can simply observe groups of Newman students. With careful observation over a day or two, you will be able to recite almost half of a movie you haven’t seen. And Mr. Smith, our astute English teacher, wonders why we can’t memorize words from the Literary Terms For the Discussion of Literature vocabulary list.

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Comments are encouraged. Each will be reviewed by Mr. Smith before posting. Any comments that are mean spirited or use inappropriate language toward the school or its students will not be posted. I especially welcome compliments, constructive criticism, questions, or general feedback on the essay.