These essays are an exercise in the use of satire, hyperbole, and overstatement by developing writers.
They are intended to be humorous, not offensive. Read them closely; take them lightly.

Monday, February 1, 2010

Being Hated

Erik Owenson

Everyone adores that feeling of being loved by someone else. But one thing that Cardinal Newman students love more than being loved is being hated.

Cardinal Newman students take it as a genuine compliment when someone insults their school. They love it when people say, “Newman sucks,” and “Newman is gay!” You’re probably thinking why do Newman students love these unfriendly and politically incorrect comments thrown towards them? Newman students assume that these aggressive insults are said because of jealousy. To Cardinal Newman, their jealousy is a form of admiration and great respect for Cardinal Newman High School.

Of course the haters would want to go to school where the students have a better chance to get into a top college. Cardinal Newman High School has a really high level of athletic ability. Many of the students have made it through to play college sports. Newman’s football teams, basketball teams and many other teams, pretty much dominate. The school has achieved many championships over the years in a variety of sports. The students know it’s always a good feeling when they walk into class the next day with a big smile, with yet another win under their belt. They get this wonderful feeling knowing that the school they defeated is feeling the opposite way. Newman’s opponents hate us because they can’t beat us. This is just one of the many reasons why they hate Newman. CN students love their hate because we know what caused it.

Why wouldn’t they want to go here? Some of the haters say, “’Cause it’s a sausage fest!” Well sorry, not true. It’s actually better with all guys because the classes are more fun. When the Newman students hear comments along these lines, they think, ‘wow, they have no clue how much they are missing out on.’ Teachers like Mr. Guillen and Mr. Foppoli say things that would never be said in the presence of fine young ladies. These funny comments make the Cardinal Newman that much more enjoyable. The students at Newman feel more intelligent and mature after hearing really immature comments from people that do not know what they are talking about. Incidentally, Cardinal Newman has their own all girls’ school right next door. An all girls school just for them! They get to go hang out up there whenever they want. The people that don’t like Newman can’t say much about that.

Cardinal Newman kids love being rich. Who doesn’t want to be rich? Unfortunately, many people secretly wish they can go there, but sadly just can’t afford it. This feeds the haters’ fire that’s burning inside them and gets them angrier. On the other hand, Newman students realize that they are fortunate to have such a good opportunity at CNHS. The hatred stowed upon Newman is a good reminder why the students are lucky to benefit from Cardinal Newman. The reminder is yet again another reason why we love being hated.

Unlike other schools, Cardinal Newman has a special fraternity and unity lacking at other schools. Everyone wants this sense of community. We don’t have a group for jocks, geeks, bullies, or performing artists (See Dalton Bertolone’s essay “Not Supporting the Arts”). Here at Cardinal Newman, we have a band, that is, a band of brothers, and we will, we will, rock you.

Being hated is great because we not only know that the haters are just truly jealous of our beautiful ladies, winning sports programs, stunning looks and incredible smarts, but we can easily defend shallow remarks. It makes their hatred that much sweeter to chuckle at and dismiss.

To all the Newman haters, thank you for making Cardinal Newman feel special. Whether or not Newman students are hated because of jealousy or because they are jerks, the fact remains, Cardinal Newman students love being hated.

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Comments are encouraged. Each will be reviewed by Mr. Smith before posting. Any comments that are mean spirited or use inappropriate language toward the school or its students will not be posted. I especially welcome compliments, constructive criticism, questions, or general feedback on the essay.