These essays are an exercise in the use of satire, hyperbole, and overstatement by developing writers.
They are intended to be humorous, not offensive. Read them closely; take them lightly.

Monday, February 1, 2010

Cell Phones

Darren Bradley

Cell phones are Cardinal Newman’s students’ most prized possession. This simple device allows them to call their peers, but at Cardinal Newman the preferred method is to send text messages every few seconds back and forth.

Cell phones were first produced in the 1980s, and their popularity steadily grew. At first, cell phones were very expensive. They were only used by adults just as a means of basic communication. Gradually, cell phones became smaller, cheaper, and more technologically advanced. Today’s cell phones are much more sophisticated than older models. Some of the many new features cell phones have currently are the ability to browse the Internet, text message, email, take pictures, and play annoying ring tones. Cardinal Newman Students like all of these features.

With cell phones becoming cheap enough to afford, they became available for parents to purchase easily. Newman parents, realizing how much more secure (and happy) their children could be with cell phones, purchased phones for their children. As soon as every Cardinal Newman kid had a cell phone, it suddenly became a competition to see who had the best phone. Today, there is still much competition to see who has the best one.

Cell phones have become so popular among Cardinal Newman students that it acts as a marker of coolness. For example, if you own an Apple iPhone, you are more likely to be well received by Cardinal Newman students. However, if you own a phone similar to the Motorola DynaTAC (Pictured right), or any other free one you get for signing up, you are going to have great difficulty being accepted into the high levels of the Cardinal Newman social order. iPhones are by far the coolest followed by Blackberry’s, texting keyboard phones, and bringing up the rear, the free basic phones.

It is very common to encounter Cardinal Newman students with Apple iPhones. These students are often the popular students in Cardinal Newman. The iPhone has many functions such as the ability to play music, download little-used applications, and reveals how rich you are. It is essential to own one of these electronic devices so others may know you only buy the best and the newest.

If you find yourself in a conversation with a Cardinal Newman student and have nothing else to talk about, simply ask if they have one of those amazing smart phones. If they say they do not own a cell phone, ask why and sympathize with them. They will say yes and then take over the conversation, going off about how cool it is and as an extension of how cool they are.

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Comments are encouraged. Each will be reviewed by Mr. Smith before posting. Any comments that are mean spirited or use inappropriate language toward the school or its students will not be posted. I especially welcome compliments, constructive criticism, questions, or general feedback on the essay.