These essays are an exercise in the use of satire, hyperbole, and overstatement by developing writers.
They are intended to be humorous, not offensive. Read them closely; take them lightly.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010


Joshua Gluch

Imagine trudging through the woods, gun or bow in hand, brush scraping your arms, then you see it: the meat isle in the closest supermarket. Students at Cardinal Newman really like hunting. Could you believe that some would rather actually go hunting than just pick up some meat at the store? For these extremists, there is a complex system used to prepare for a hunt.

The first step is to make sure our hunter has the nicest gun and ammunition to shoot. If our hunter doesn’t, it calls for a trip to a sporting goods store. While there, our hunter also may pick up other supplies such as camouflage pants and shirts. Another necessity is deer calls. Next are scent eliminators; Cardinal Newman students should consider wearing these to school especially on blistering days in scorching, stuffy classrooms. Lastly are deer scents, such as “Doe in Heat.” No joke. This exists. I will resist making any jokes about it. The next step is where the hunter either is lucky and owns property (animals must be included) or he pays a lot of money to go hunting on someone else’s land. Another possible fee is if our hunter does something wrong, then the game warden gets to fine him anywhere between a few thousand to a few hundred thousand dollars and maybe even jail time. This makes the warden happy because this pays his salary and maybe will get him a raise. This is actually a joy to CN students because they absolutely adore very expensive hobbies.

Cardinal Newman students also enjoy how dangerous hunting is. They love the idea that they could get mauled by a bear, jumped by a mountain lion, or run over by a whitetail deer; this would be great for them because they could brag about this to the girls up at Ursuline. Even merely just tripping on a stick and falling a few hundred feet down a hillside can ruin a great hunting trip because Cardinal Newman students like to be hunters but don’t like to get their expensive, designer shirts soiled. In any case, this could potentially cost between $5,000 and $30,000 or death. There may also be the worst hunter humiliation of all: the helicopter. Nobody wants to be the coward that has to be airlifted from their macho hunting trip because of a broken neck or spine, except Cardinal Newman students. This is a great way of attracting attention to themselves and showing off.

Getting lost can happen way too easily. Most Cardinal Newman students would like to bring a GPS because they can’t be away from their cell phones. Since their cell phones never work when hunting, CN students have to find an expensive alternative. Note: The GPS has to be a very expensive, top-of-the-line item because CN students can never be seen with something cheap. It damages their sensitive reputations and egos. Too bad Garmin didn’t start a service that CN students would be sure to pay for: texting from GPS to cell phone.

Despite all these dangers and expenses, Cardinal Newman students like leaving behind their gated, super-sterilized suburban mini-mansions and Ralph Luaren Polo shirts, collars turned up of course, for the wilderness and all it has to offer.

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Comments are encouraged. Each will be reviewed by Mr. Smith before posting. Any comments that are mean spirited or use inappropriate language toward the school or its students will not be posted. I especially welcome compliments, constructive criticism, questions, or general feedback on the essay.