These essays are an exercise in the use of satire, hyperbole, and overstatement by developing writers.
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Tuesday, February 2, 2010

European Handball

Tomas Zegarra

Hidden among the abundance of sports that Cardinal Newman High School possesses is another great game. This game is popular among freshmen, played during P.E. class, and deserves to become a full-fledged sport. This game originated in Europe, where it has gained enormous popularity. Now it has found a new home at Cardinal Newman. When one first hears its name, and thinks of the elementary school game that involves hitting a ball against a board, one could not be more wrong. The game is European Handball, and this sport is with more intensity by CN students than any other sport known to man.

European Handball combines the speed of soccer, and the roughness of football. Here are some ground rules for the game: One small circular game ball that is a little bit smaller than a basketball is used. At Cardinal Newman, it does not matter what players are on each team as long as it is even and fair. Though Cardinal Newman students play in the gym and professionals play on a field, Cardinal Newman’s version might be a bit easier to understand. The main goal is to throw the ball at the goal.

The defense only has to intercept or wrap up the player with the ball in order to get a turnover. The offense cannot enter a large crease (size differs in America and Europe) without passing it to a power forward in a small portion of that crease. The forward can then throw the ball into the goal at point-blank range without it being caught by the goalie. The defense needs to be on their toes, as they only have to push the opposing player out of the smaller crease, in order to create a turnover. A player receiving a pass cannot move, and only has a couple of steps to throw the ball to the nearest teammate. We can’t lay out people so drop that thought, unless you want the opposing team to have a free penalty shot.

The sport is amazingly competitive at Cardinal Newman, especially among freshmen. The best goalie, most amazing catch, interception, or block, have been discussed for many hours among the Cardinal Newman students. If you make a great play, you can become a legend. Luckily, there have been no fights, only people being flung into the air, bruised arms and knees, and bloody mouths--only the minor injuries that result from any contact sport. CN students love this sport mainly because it is a manly sport, as is big trucks, and man hugs. CN students like that they come away with bruises and scars that help them make up exaggerated stories to tell the girls of Ursuline. We also like handball is a part of European culture as well, such as BMW’s and rugby, or writhing courageous things on the campus walls in Latin. European Handball will remain a treasured sport in Cardinal Newman forever.

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