These essays are an exercise in the use of satire, hyperbole, and overstatement by developing writers.
They are intended to be humorous, not offensive. Read them closely; take them lightly.

Monday, February 1, 2010

Girls with Uggs

Jonathan Gruber

Usually when a Cardinal Newman student meets a girl, he tries to find out if she is a desirable person. A typical student may ask himself, “Does she have the curves?” A Newman student will ask, “Does she have the boots with the fur?” It is a proven fact that girls that wear Australian Ugg boots are far more popular than girls who wear other footwear such as Dutch Clogs or Iroquois Indian Moccasins, or even Vans or flip-flops.

If you don’t know what Ugg boots are (You are a social outcast if you don’t), here is a description of them and their history. Wikipedia says, “The Ugg boot style is believed to have originated in Australia or New Zealand. World War I pilots wore them for warmth in unpressurized planes. Surfers and competitive swimmers wore them for keeping warm while out of the water. In the early 2000s, they became a fashion trend in the U.S.” The name “Uggs” has started to become the most common name of this footwear. Wikipedia describes them as “a style of sheepskin boots lined with wool on the inside and with a tanned outer surface. Ugg boots have a synthetic sole, although this is not universal. Heights range from around the ankle to above the knee. They are available in a range of different colors as both slip-on and lace-up varieties.”

Megan Fox, Heidi Klum, Jessica Alba, and Katherine Heigl are a few of the many famous celebrity hotties that have been spotted wearing Ugg boots. In Flo Rida’s hit song “Low,” he sings, “…Apple Bottom Jeans, boots with the fur, the whole club was lookin’ at her.” Clearly, Ugg boots are part of the perfect outfit. (If you don’t know who all of these celebrities are or how to sing the chorus to “Low” right now, you are a loser and likely don’t wear Uggs.)

Most people who are not popular wouldn’t categorize these as stylish. They would generally think that they are used to keep warm. Oftentimes, this is not true; uggs are most commonly worn on hot days with a mini-skirt and a small top. What they don’t realize, however, is that they have already become one of the most popular types of footwear among women between the ages of 12 and 32. (If you are not good-looking, Uggs may increase your chance of getting a man, but nothing will be guaranteed. If you are hot and wear Uggs, it is an absolute certainty.)

Oftentimes, a female wearing Uggs is a sign that she has grown out of her nerdy stage and has turned into a cool woman. As a matter of fact, if you went to school with a nerdy girl who moved to a big city, there is a good chance that the next time you meet her she will be wearing Uggs and be “ultra chic.”

If you are ever introduced to a group of people and one girl is wearing Uggs, it is a good idea to befriend her before anyone else. She is most likely the coolest.

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