These essays are an exercise in the use of satire, hyperbole, and overstatement by developing writers.
They are intended to be humorous, not offensive. Read them closely; take them lightly.

Monday, February 1, 2010

Making Phone Calls in the Bathroom

Matthew Phelps

Walking into the CN bathroom at lunch is the equivalent to walking into a telemarketing center. The first thing you will notice is that there are more students talking on phones than actually fulfilling the primary use of the bathroom: going to the bathroom. But don’t be mistaken; it is a great way to get in contact with parents, assuming you do not get caught by Mr. Rosales (See C. King’s post “Avoiding Rosales”).

Statistics show that, during the lunch period, 1 out of every 3 kids who visit the bathroom actually uses it to urinate. Why do CN students choose to use the phone in the bathroom? It is either because they feel “cool” about using their phone on campus, or do they have an irrational fear of going into the office to use the school phone? If you are ever forced into conversation with a person-who-calls-their-parents-in-the-bathroom, it is not advisable to ask something like, “about how many times do you call in the bathroom per week?” By trying to get this information, you are making them feel self-conscious about their shocking number of visits to the bathroom. So instead of interrogating, simply respect their annoying habits and walk away--fast. By doing so, there is a greater chance that later on, your friend will lend you his phone in your time of need. If you and your friend are both calling home to be picked up, carpooling arrangements can be made to make things easier. Finally, never under any circumstances should you mock a CN student for using the bathroom for phone calls. He may threaten to shatter his cell phone against your face, but don’t worry, he won’t. CN boys love their cell phones like Ursuline girls love UGG boots (See J. Gruber’s post “Girls with UGGS”).

Calling your parents in the bathroom is a normal habit; it is not only present at Cardinal Newman, but also at other high schools that have the “no phone use on campus rule.” Specific reasons for a phone call may be (1) forgotten homework or (2) calling to be picked up because of being sick, or a test you don’t want to take. Or kids may call out of boredom. However, recent calls in a CN student’s iPhone (a sign of his status) do not only say “Home.” After getting out of class for a “bathroom break,” he may dial a friend’s number just to get him in trouble while in class. Later at break, this friend may be seen on his way to Mr. Rosales’ office to retrieve his cell phone. Note: although this prank is humorous, be cautious by making sure to *67 your friend’s number before placing the call.

In conclusion, CN kids like to use the phone in the bathroom. If you see a friend on the phone in the bathroom, say hello, to both him and his parents.

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Comments are encouraged. Each will be reviewed by Mr. Smith before posting. Any comments that are mean spirited or use inappropriate language toward the school or its students will not be posted. I especially welcome compliments, constructive criticism, questions, or general feedback on the essay.