These essays are an exercise in the use of satire, hyperbole, and overstatement by developing writers.
They are intended to be humorous, not offensive. Read them closely; take them lightly.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010


Andrew Yu

Cardinal Newman students like socializing with friends. Facebook provides Newman students a perfect beacon to continue chatting with friends, even after hours of school and sports together. When given the chance, Newman students would prefer socializing on Facebook over any other activity, even annotating for English.

Facebook is an online social networking website that appeals to the adolescents who have evolved from Myspace. Originally it consisted of mostly only college students, but has been swiftly invaded by masses of “mature” high school students. Newman students are not exempted from this trend. There is a 90% chance that a Newman student has a Facebook account with a myriad of friends. The other 10% consists of students who would like an account, but are prevented by loving, protective parents who don’t want their kids going online with child molesters.

The great thing about friends on Facebook is that Facebook doesn’t show favoritism. Black, white, best friend, random guy you vaguely recall getting wasted with at a party, it’s all the same. Facebook only has one rank for any type of person; a friend

For a person to constitute as a friend on Facebook, all that is required is his/her first and last name, and one memory of the person. A memory is vital so if you are ever asked if you actually know the person, you can reply with, “Remember that one time…,” and avoid the awkward “stalker” situation while possibly even starting a new deep friendship. Because of the lax requirements for friends, this allows Newman students to feel better about themselves when they know they have hundreds of “friends”.

After logging onto Facebook, it shows the Home page, which consists of a “Newsfeed” and a “Livefeed”. The Newsfeed shows friends’ recent status page updates, while the Livefeed contains a few hidden status updates that no one cared about, but mostly just acts like a shadow; following every movement and action made by friends over the past week or so on Facebook. Looking at this Livefeed gives Newman students a joyous sensation of knowledge and power over their friends’ usage of Facebook.

Of course, for some people this may seem too revealing to the lurking pedophiles and online murderers, however, Facebook has a brilliant privacy option. It allows customization of who sees a person’s posts and who can access their Facebook page (granted that you can find it first). This gives Newman students a wave of relief and protection from shady online predators, who might be spying on uploaded photos of themselves with their shirts off.

Newman students just can’t prevent themselves from going on Facebook. Even at one o’clock AM, while still faced with hours of homework, Newman students are unable to resist logging onto Facebook for a brief, “five” minute session that actually results in an hour. Since much of a Newman student’s homework requires usage of a computer, Facebook provides Newman students a blissful haven in the midst of their tedious homework. Facebook is always concealed in an inconspicuous corner of a Newman student’s computer screen, waiting for him to take a break from typing an essay, and instead switch over and chat with friends.

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