These essays are an exercise in the use of satire, hyperbole, and overstatement by developing writers.
They are intended to be humorous, not offensive. Read them closely; take them lightly.

Monday, February 1, 2010


Rob Roy de Rutte

Mooching is the process by which a person begs another person to give him food, and it is very common at Newman, mostly because people don’t want to bring or buy their own food. The most common item mooched for is candy, which comes directly from the Birdcage. (The Birdcage is a student store on campus.) This is because candy is an addicting food no Newman student can resist; the most likely reason is that it has some sort of chemical or drug that makes teenage boys need to have it every hour of the day.

This is how mooching typically happens. The moocher sees the victim buying “the goodies”. This candy is most likely something like Skittles that can be easily shared, but sometimes the more selfish moochers will even target things that are a little bit harder to share, such as a single stick of gum. He then stalks that person until he goes in for the kill, and asks them for some candy. If the victim’s reply is “no”, the moocher will give him some desperate excuse as to why he needs some candy. A classic excuse would be that he has barely had any food, even though he’s probably already successfully mooched off other people. He also might lie and say that the victim owes him candy from previous times. (The victim will know he is lying, but a situation where a Newman student doesn’t owe someone candy is a rare predicament.) In the end, the moocher will either get food after constant begging or will give up and stalk another victim.

The worst part about mooching at Newman is the irony. Cardinal Newman is one of the most expensive high schools to go to in California. Every day these students come to school with their extremely expensive and exotic cars and are taught to be Christian gentlemen. Knowing this, how can someone afford to send their kids to Cardinal Newman in exotic sports cars but not be able to give them a couple of bucks to buy some candy?

The bottom line is that everyone at Newman mooches. Even a student who thinks twenty dollars is pocket change will mooch off the kid who can’t afford to put condiments on his bologna sandwich. At times, to avoid being mooched upon, a student will resort to lying, violence, or flat out running away. (Never run away from a moocher. This will attract more of them and they will chase you as a group and try to get your goods forcefully.) However, the people who resort to these methods are probably not going to be very successful, for there is no avoiding a moocher. Another possibility is that they are just that good that they don’t have to mooch, which is a rare occurrence that nearly never happens.

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Comments are encouraged. Each will be reviewed by Mr. Smith before posting. Any comments that are mean spirited or use inappropriate language toward the school or its students will not be posted. I especially welcome compliments, constructive criticism, questions, or general feedback on the essay.