These essays are an exercise in the use of satire, hyperbole, and overstatement by developing writers.
They are intended to be humorous, not offensive. Read them closely; take them lightly.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Posh Sports

Zach Fontanes-Halliday

Stuck-up rich kids have long played posh sports intended for the upper class in society: golf, rugby, lacrosse, water polo, etc. These ridiculous sports are played at schools like Harvard, Yale, Stanford, and multiple boarding schools along the East Coast. Cardinal Newman students love to be in this exclusive club.

The definition of posh: fashionable, even elegant, typical or intended for the upper class. The word posh implies a different meaning when regarding sports. More frankly stated, posh means, rich, stuck-up, preppy, and snobby. At Cardinal Newman, many students play these sports because of the status that comes with them. For example, almost every student at Cardinal Newman at one point in their life, played baseball. Although, most Newman students will not play Baseball, a sport for inner city sandlots, simply because it is not posh enough.

To qualify as a posh sport a game needs a combination of: Expensive equipment. Some sort of odd and violent contact. A specific type of field that is different from any other sport. An interesting history that leads to its ‘poshness.’ And just being a little ridiculous.

Here is a list of posh sports that Cardinal Newman has, from least to most posh:

1. Ice hockey. Although this is not a traditional posh sport it is rising in status due to the expensive equipment. Hockey players at the top youth level will at one point have around $1000 worth of gear; yes, that is three zero’s. Another major factor in this sudden rise in status is how rare ice time is. An average team will have practice, if they are lucky, on a Friday night at 9:30. Some of the less unfortunate teams will have 5:00 practices. Either way you go it is brutally posh.

2. Water Polo. Although this sport does not have any expensive equipment (unless you count the pool), the odd and unique type of violence in this sport make up for it. What most people don’t realize about water polo is how violent this sport is. It is common in water polo to scratch and claw an opponent’s skin underwater. In every posh sport, there are ‘civilized’ ways to act barbaric. In water polo, the way to do this is to grab the opponent’s testicles. Unfortunately, for water polo players this is quite a popular thing to do.

3. Lacrosse. This sport meets many of the qualifications for posh sports. In sports, there are many different ways to hit, and hurt people, but in lacrosse, they have found the best way: aimlessly smacking people with a metal pole, which ironically, probably cost the player around $200. Only the best stick will do. Additionally, it is impossible to have a conversation with a group of lacrosse players if you are someone you doesn’t understand the game. For example: “Dude, did you see that swim that Jake pulled on that LSM and then just split the sliding d-pole in two!” Good luck deciphering this posh conversation.

4. Rugby. Cardinal Newman students are very concerned about their reputation. To try and establish their reputation as civilized and cultured, many football players play Rugby in the offseason. Rugby was invented in “Jolly old England,” where rugby is the upper-class sport that all the private schools, much like Cardinal Newman, play

5. Fencing. Although Cardinal Newman does not currently have a fencing team, they did at one point did have one. And this sport is so ridiculous that it deserves to be on the list. I can understand that sometime in the Middle Ages stabbing people with a sword was a big deal, but we are currently living in the 21st century. The only people still doing this are snobby anglophiles who wished they lived in an old English castle.

6. Golf. This sport has almost every qualification to be a posh sport, but there is one thing that is flawed about putting golf on this list. It is not a sport; this ridiculous sport is technically a hobby. The overall ridiculousness of this sport is what made me rank it as most posh. Who ever thought of this idea must have been smoking something. Who has the idea to take a piece of metal or wood and hit a tiny white ball with it hundreds of yards into small holes over the course of six hours? And of course, the ultimatum of posh sports is not only played at Cardinal Newman, but the team practices at the local private club instead of the public course. Do I need to say more?

Be careful never to accept an invitation to see one of these ridiculous sports in action. You will sit and stare for multiple hours in amazement wondering what the rules are and why anyone still plays these pretentious games.

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