These essays are an exercise in the use of satire, hyperbole, and overstatement by developing writers.
They are intended to be humorous, not offensive. Read them closely; take them lightly.

Monday, February 1, 2010

Cafe Merici's Small Pizzas

Brandon Knepper

Having already finished the morning classes and break, every single Cardinal Newman student will make his way up to the covered eating area to stand in a line that continuously grows larger every 30 seconds after lunch begins.
Why you may ask?

Small pizza. This coveted little food item is as popular as Ursuline’s hottest cheerleader, or Newman’s biggest athlete. The difference though, is its ability to be purchased, and so it is bought by almost every student everyday.

This small pizza is a personal pizza, about 6” in diameter, that comes on a paper plate just a few inches larger. The combination of hot oozing cheese and greasy circular disks of pepperoni are divine. Eating it requires at least five to ten large napkins depending if you eat it civilized or devour it like an animal. Although they aren’t that good heat lamp warmed frozen pizzas, students love them because other options are healthier, bad pizza beats good food, and by the time lunch begins they are starving. When the pizza has finished its hours of patient waiting, it may even be accompanied by a Caesar Salad for 50 cents or a 16-ounce Fountain Beverage for a dollar.

Although this may be mind-blowingly unhealthy, please note that these Newman students are very athletic and need these pizzas to fulfill their calorie requirements.

If you ever encounter a Newman student and want to be popular or make a friend, you must buy one of these small pizzas. He will then immediately say “Hey you have one too!” or “Nice to meet you fellow Cardinal.” If you meet an Ursuline student however, she will say something like “Hey you and your small pizza are so handsome, come sit with me.” or “Hi I’m _________ you and your sexy small pizza should definitely hang with me and my friend.

Once the small pizza is eaten or gone, you are just a normal person and should proceed sadly towards the nearest exit with caution.

Also, it is highly unadvised to purchase the more expensive, yet extremely unpopular Panini. It has a very low production rate, and therefore must be made completely fresh and may even include healthy ingredients. Doing this will bring shame on you and your identity for years to come.

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Comments are encouraged. Each will be reviewed by Mr. Smith before posting. Any comments that are mean spirited or use inappropriate language toward the school or its students will not be posted. I especially welcome compliments, constructive criticism, questions, or general feedback on the essay.