These essays are an exercise in the use of satire, hyperbole, and overstatement by developing writers.
They are intended to be humorous, not offensive. Read them closely; take them lightly.

Thursday, February 4, 2010


 Lucas Bilbro

Cardinal Newman High School is an all boys high school that is known for its intense athletics and manly student body. These attributes make it extremely ironic that a favorite pastime of Newman students is hugging, specifically bro-hugs. Two six foot something, sweaty football players sharing a warm embrace outside the weight room is not something that you would encounter in your average high school. At Cardinal Newman it is the norm; Newman students love to hug it out.

There is a specific protocol that is followed in “bro-hugs”. You can execute the handshake that becomes a hug. This is a quicker, manlier hug because the two participants bump off each other’s chest muscles while the handshake acts as a barrier to distance one bro from another. Or, you can rock a more traditional hug, but you must diagonally interlock your arms so that neither participant’s arms are around the other’s waist, the position that a girl would be in if it were an orthodox heterosexual embrace.

If you encounter a Newman student and you wish to initiate a hug, you should precede the hug with a friendly greeting or phrase such as, “What’s up broseph?” or, “What’s crackin’ brochahontas.” If you use a witty variation of the word bro in you pre-hug greeting (such as broski, broseph, brokalater, brochahontas, or broflannigan) it significantly increases your chance of social acceptance. If you wish for your hug to say, “We are the best of friends,” you can precede your hug with, “I love you man.” But, you must never say “I love you.” You must end the phrase with “man” if you intend to be perceived as a sensitive heterosexual and not of a sexual preference that is less socially acceptable at Cardinal Newman.

There are also physical techniques that can be used to deepen the emotional meaning of your bro-hug. A gentle head cradle is a timeless classic akin to the dual handed clasp handshake used by those of older generations. Note: this gesture is mostly reserved for more meaningful relationships such as bromances. But be wary that you don’t go too far with any extra physical subtleties. No matter the circumstances, no matter how powerful your feelings are for your bro, pelvis contact is not acceptable.

Whether it’s a casual greeting or an expression of manly love, hugs are an everyday feature of Cardinal Newman life. Cardinal Newman students are not “gay”; they are just comfortable enough with their sexuality that a warm embrace with another bro is seen as the equivalent of a fist bump or a high five. Newman students love to hug it out and they are proud of it.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010


Andrew Yu

Cardinal Newman students like socializing with friends. Facebook provides Newman students a perfect beacon to continue chatting with friends, even after hours of school and sports together. When given the chance, Newman students would prefer socializing on Facebook over any other activity, even annotating for English.

Facebook is an online social networking website that appeals to the adolescents who have evolved from Myspace. Originally it consisted of mostly only college students, but has been swiftly invaded by masses of “mature” high school students. Newman students are not exempted from this trend. There is a 90% chance that a Newman student has a Facebook account with a myriad of friends. The other 10% consists of students who would like an account, but are prevented by loving, protective parents who don’t want their kids going online with child molesters.

The great thing about friends on Facebook is that Facebook doesn’t show favoritism. Black, white, best friend, random guy you vaguely recall getting wasted with at a party, it’s all the same. Facebook only has one rank for any type of person; a friend

For a person to constitute as a friend on Facebook, all that is required is his/her first and last name, and one memory of the person. A memory is vital so if you are ever asked if you actually know the person, you can reply with, “Remember that one time…,” and avoid the awkward “stalker” situation while possibly even starting a new deep friendship. Because of the lax requirements for friends, this allows Newman students to feel better about themselves when they know they have hundreds of “friends”.

After logging onto Facebook, it shows the Home page, which consists of a “Newsfeed” and a “Livefeed”. The Newsfeed shows friends’ recent status page updates, while the Livefeed contains a few hidden status updates that no one cared about, but mostly just acts like a shadow; following every movement and action made by friends over the past week or so on Facebook. Looking at this Livefeed gives Newman students a joyous sensation of knowledge and power over their friends’ usage of Facebook.

Of course, for some people this may seem too revealing to the lurking pedophiles and online murderers, however, Facebook has a brilliant privacy option. It allows customization of who sees a person’s posts and who can access their Facebook page (granted that you can find it first). This gives Newman students a wave of relief and protection from shady online predators, who might be spying on uploaded photos of themselves with their shirts off.

Newman students just can’t prevent themselves from going on Facebook. Even at one o’clock AM, while still faced with hours of homework, Newman students are unable to resist logging onto Facebook for a brief, “five” minute session that actually results in an hour. Since much of a Newman student’s homework requires usage of a computer, Facebook provides Newman students a blissful haven in the midst of their tedious homework. Facebook is always concealed in an inconspicuous corner of a Newman student’s computer screen, waiting for him to take a break from typing an essay, and instead switch over and chat with friends.

Having Redneck Friends

Marc Chicoine

Rednecks are a dying breed. In the North Bay, an area of agriculture and suburban towns, they seem to be going extinct. The few remaining rednecks native to the area flock to Cardinal Newman. Not only do Cardinal Newman kids accept them, they embrace them with open arms.

Every Newman kid wants to either be or know a redneck because knowing rednecks has incredible benefits. For example, Rednecks always have alcohol on tap in their truck and they also tend to throw great parties. You can learn to shoot a gun when you hang with a redneck since they go hunting instinctively. If you are or become even slightly redneck, your classmates glorify you because being a redneck comes with a title. You automatically become the “go to guy” for crazy parties, even when your parties are little more than a few friends hanging out and drinking bud light while complaining about illegal immigration. Yet another benefit to having a redneck friend is their knowledge of how to fix cars and other motor vehicles. Also they are always willing to give you a ride after school in their big trucks.

If we look closer, we see that students are not the only people that enjoy rednecks. Newman teachers and coaches often like rednecks because they tend to be good at football. Some Redneck families specially breed their boys for Cardinal Newman football; they are taught how to play at a young age. Rednecks also undergo early strength training by making hay bails on the farm and pushing broken down trucks.

If you don’t wish to be a full redneck, but still wish to have the glorification of being one, then the number of rednecks you know at Newman is crucial. Here is a user-friendly guide to the type of Newman student based on the number of rednecks he knows at Newman.

1 Redneck: A single redneck friend means you’re probably preppy. Little to no experience with parties or drinking. Stick to tennis, not football.

2 Rednecks: There’s probably a bit of hick in you. You may like hunting and having others accompany you. You may also be an avid partygoer.

3 Rednecks: You're definitely half redneck. You probably own a Chevy. Have you ever chewed tobacco?

4 Rednecks: You probably idolize Larry The Cable Guy, and have been accepted as a bonified redneck, and idolized by the rich, preppy Cardinal Newman students.

5+ Redcecks: You are probably a popular Newman football player, or you're trailer trash.

Not Supporting the Arts

Dalton Bertolone

Cardinal Newman is famous for being a phenomenal sports school. We have many of the best sports teams, facilities, and equipment. Cardinal Newman’s football team made it to the state championships in 2007. They had the state record for the most consecutive wins, spanning over four years, in the 1970’s. We have a place for every sport to practice being either a room or field or court or diamond. We treat sports as if they’re all that matter. Cardinal Newman loves sports! The arts, on the other hand, don’t get as much love. The students and the school aren’t really big fans.

Cardinal Newman’s arts offerings are small. Cardinal Newman has a few music classes, and that’s about it. The guitar and band teacher, Mr. Acevedo, is a hard working and passionate teacher and strives to keep music in our school. He constantly works with his students to achieve greatness. On the Cardinal Newman YouTube page you can watch the students rocking out! There are three guitar classes and one band class at Cardinal Newman. They have their classes in a small classroom with a 6ft by 7ft stage in it. After placing the drums, speakers, microphones, guitars, piano and everything else they need, it gets pretty cramped. Every year, the school puts on a talent show called So Show Me. Mr. Acevedo works very hard every year to make this great and he did it again this year.

Newman’s students are allowed to participate in Ursuline’s fall play and spring musical. We don’t have a theater so the shows consist of using the cafeteria during the fall and a very small stage in the Ursuline gym in the spring. Yes, I said “cafeteria”. It’s true that the place where our school’s thespians are supposed to express themselves is the same place where a kid might have dropped his lunch and left it. They are expected to act, sing, and dance in a place that is not kept very clean. On the bright side, we do get to use the gym in the spring. It’s great if you don’t mind smelling sweat for five hours at a time for rehearsal. We do not have a theater because there is no money for a theater; but in the last five years Cardinal Newman built beach volleyball courts, tennis courts, lights for the football field, an artificial turf baseball diamond, a weight room, and a wrestling room. Although almost every one of these things already existed, they got improved or replaced. Cardinal Newman will build a theater; it’s on the list, right after a badminton arena and before the bobsledding track. Even though we don’t have a theater or a very good support system, we do have a lot of talent. There are many great singers, dancers and amazing actors that are at the school. They just don’t have as many opportunities to show it off as an athlete would. The students in the shows work so hard and in the end it’s an amazing success, but only a few people get to appreciate it.

The students have recently had the option of taking Choir (an elective put on by Ursuline) up at Ursuline. Who knew? The student’s didn’t know and I don’t think the staff did either. The number of Cardinal Newman students in this class is small because Cardinal Newman didn’t tell boys they had the option of taking this class as an elective. When Robert, a Cardinal Newman sophomore, transferred to Cardinal Newman this year, he had heard from someone that boys were allowed to take choir as an elective. Upon asking if they had this class, the counselor said, "oh no that class is up at Ursuline and it’s a girls only class.” Robert then told him that he knew for a fact another sophomore at Newman was already in the class. To be nice the counselor replied: “I don’t think so but I’ll double check.” After checking he came back saying, “Oh, wow your right, I guess that is an option.”  It seems Cardinal Newman would rather have their students lifting weights and becoming beefcakes, a more popular elective, than learning how to sing.

The community doesn’t really support the arts either. You hear about huge donations going to the school, but it’s never for the arts. Also, the school does very little to try to get kids involved in the arts. The school encourages everyone to go to the next game to cheer on their fellow students, but that doesn’t go the same for shows. Some teachers will give extra credit if you go to the fall play, but that’s usually the only reason a student would go. They sometimes announce when there’s a school show or a drama meeting, but there’s minimal advertisement. Yes, we do have a drama club. The Cardinal Newman Drama Club is new this year. They have meetings every once in a while and the number of students who attend depends on word of mouth since the school rarely announces if there is a meeting.

When it comes to the arts, you get no special treatment. There are no art rallies before big shows. There is little, “that’s okay I know you're busy,” sympathy from teachers. The Arts are a lot of hard work. It takes just as much time and dedication as any sport.  Students in the arts are considered below everyone else in Cardinal Newman’s mind because in a culture that favors sports over arts, the school gets more attention for all of their sports achievements. Cardinal Newman is a great school with great sports but also great artists. Sooner or later, things will change and Newman will start supporting the arts once they realize how many great artists they have and realize that a great school must have great art.


Mitchell Wilhelmsen

What would high school be without English class? What would English class be without reading? What would reading be without annotating? Extremely boring without it because it’s so much fun!

Most Cardinal Newman students’ favorite assignment for English class is to read a piece of literature and “enhance our understanding and appreciation of the literature” by marking it up until its clean, white pages are pitch-black with annotations.

For those of you who do not know, annotating is English teacher jargon for a note-taking method used while reading that helps the reader identify the main points, remember them and reflect on them all while they read. Readers can summarize, predict, clarify, visualize by drawing pictures, react, connect, and question in the margins. Needless to say, it’s super great and we all love it.

Those of you reading this might be skeptical: “Why do they love annotating so much?” Well my dear reader, there are many reasons. Cardinal Newman students cannot pick up a book without annotating, it just doesn’t happen. They love to read closely, decipher the meaning of every word in every sentence, and spend extra time fully enjoying great literature by contemplating the entire novel as Sherlock Holmes would a mystery. Reading thirty pages would be so boring if it only took an hour. Newman students love annotating because it allows them to take this one hour of boring reading and doubling or tripling the time creating the most enjoyable reading experience. But most of all, Cardinal Newman students love to annotate because of the joy it brings to our teacher, Mr. Smith. We all love to see that shining smile after showing him our completed annotations. Nobody wants to be the student who brings Mr. Smith to tears because there was a blank page in their book.

Just to clarify, Mr. Smith is the advanced English teacher at Cardinal Newman. He is not Matt Damon, nor the World’s Sexiest Man Alive 2007; he just tries to look like it. And as far as we know, he is not a spy married to another spy who are both out to kill each other. This is all beside the point: Mr. Smith is truly the heart and soul of annotating. The way Mr. Smith acts about annotating makes it seem as if Newman students don’t want to annotate; if that were the case, that’s definitely news to me. Mr. Smith assigns it, teaches the correct way to properly annotate, and reminds us constantly to annotate. On the board for homework assignments reads, “Read and annotate novel.” Then again in class, “Don’t forget to annotate everybody!” And finally in the hall, Student: “How are you doing Mr. Smith?” Mr. Smith: “Annotate, annotate, annotate! Everybody annotate! You, and you, and especially you! Annotate!!!” The next day, after annotating for three hours the night before, students come to class and have their books checked off by Mr. Smith. After using his magnifying glass to check that we annotated to his standards, we are rewarded with five points and are quickly instructed to “pull out our annotaters” so we can write down the next day’s homework assignment, which is, you guessed it, annotating.

Overall, annotating can be a great tool to use while reading a book, and most Cardinal Newman students love annotating so much, they just couldn’t live without it. Not only do they love annotating, Newman students love the fact that they are forced to annotate even more. A wise student once said, “Annotating is like buying the cafeteria’s small, rip-off pizzas; it’s pointless but we do it anyway.”

Avoiding Rosales

Charles King

Cardinal Newman Students enjoy taking part in many various activities at Cardinal Newman High School. These activities include football, looking at girls, eating pizza, and taking part in bromances. But only one activity may be more popular than any other: avoiding the school Dean, Mr. Rosales.

This ex-Marine is very good at his job and is highly trained (probably at some Dean boot camp) in finding students out of dress code or other such infringements of the rules and giving them a detention. There are only three possible ways to remain stealthily under the Rosales radar. The first is to have another sibling that has either graduated from Newman or is still a student at Newman. Rosales must already be good friends with that sibling; otherwise, this tactic would have the opposite effect. The second and easiest way to become friendly with him is to join the cross country team (he is the cross country coach at Piner High School). The last way is to never break the rules, but Newman students are much too lazy to think of this prospect, and instead take on the more difficult route in attempting to navigate around Rosales’ traps.

Cardinal Newman students enjoy avoiding Rosales and it has become somewhat of a sport among the students. Those watching either get the amusement of seeing the student get caught by Rosales and given a detention or they learn new and improved ways of avoiding Rosales. The students actually evading Rosales get even more out of it, testing out new and various strategies useful in their tactics escaping Rosales’ grasp.

Other times, Rosales doesn’t go looking for those who are breaking rules, he looks for students that he enjoys talking to. Sometimes, if one of Rosales’ “friendlies” is breaking a rule or just doesn’t want to talk to him, they too attempt to avoid him.

One important thing about Rosales: students can always hear Rosales before they see him. He projects his “I’m a lieutenant” voice so that it can be heard from an incredible distance away. When tracking a student, his voice gets louder. Rosales does have one tactic that he uses frequently, and students will get caught unless they see him before he sees you. He tends to call the name of the student he is looking for before they have the chance to run away. This way, they have been singled out and you have no chance of escape, and must surrender. You can only hope that he wants a little conversation, but for the majority of the time, it’s for a detention. If he comes into one of your classrooms during a class, it’s over. Being pulled out is followed by interrogation and then punishment in the form of a detention. It is more embarrassing than him catching you otherwise because everyone is informed of your newly acquired detention.

This game is all part of the education at Cardinal Newman, and maybe the learning students enjoy most.

Mr. Foppoli

Justin Beach

A teenage boy’s obsession with a cooler older male is a completely normal thing, especially at Cardinal Newman. Newman students have gone gaga over prominent Newman figures before, some of them being: quarterback Randy Wright, Coach Paul Cronin, and surprisingly even teacher Mr. Smith. However, the latest man crush is nothing short of guy worship. His name is Mr. Joe Foppoli, or as his closest admirers calls him, Joey. To a Newman student, Joey is a god, a male teacher to whom ‘hipsters’ can relate. With his hair greased violently back, his goatee, and his serpent like qualities, Joe wouldn’t seem the type for a man crush. Yet, Newman students adore this Public Speaking Teacher.

Newman students have a thing for guys, especially when the guy is a young, wise-cracking Italian. Included in this man-package is a deep knowledge of hip-hop music and endless stories of his disrespectful children. Why else would they love Joe? Well, one reason is that Newman students love quotes. One way for a public school student to pick out a Newman student is to watch for their over use of the phrases, “Like a boss!” or “I’m on a boat!” Newman students also love quoting movies such as The Hangover to the point where they’ve unknowingly ruined the joke. After a hundred times, quoting Alan just isn’t funny anymore. Joey is deeply quotable, so of course Newman students fell head over heels for him. His phrases that feature the most colorful words are a hit on campus.

For every class, there is a unique level of worship. Most Newman freshmen boys have never witnessed such a cool teacher. While in his presence, they are too stunned to do anything but giggle like Ursuline girls at the swear words that may stream from his serpentine tongue. Even though sophomores get more Joe Time (time spent around Mr. Foppoli) than freshmen, conversations are limited and they treasure every moment. Juniors are at a completely different level of Joe time. Though most upperclassmen are able to be cool and interesting around Joey, some let their guard down and make a joke a freshman would say. These students have little chance of recovering from this misstep. Of course, every student dreams of becoming a senior just so, as they will think to themselves, “ Oh, I’m finally cool enough to be close to The One.”

Note: If you are ever talking with a Newman student, always end the conversation with, “Yeah, I know. I was just talking about this with Mr. Foppoli.” The Newman student will suddenly realize that you are a man of tastes and extraordinary wisdom and they will forever respect you.


Kyle Evans

Yes, a very serious relationship between two males can exist without being of a homosexual nature. Its formal name is a bromance.

At the all-boys school of Cardinal Newman, these same-sex “romances” are everywhere. A bromance is when two guys are very close friends and when seen in public are usually always together. When one of these connections starts, you will notice these two guys talking all the time, sitting next to each other in class, and of course eating lunch together along with other bro-couples.

As the relationship progresses, you will notice that the two guys are starting to look more and more similar as their clothes and hair styles start to reflect. Do not be alarmed, this is completely normal. Usually the two guys play on a Cardinal Newman sports teams together and will eventually move on to doing the same activities outside of school as well. It’s not that having a bromance at Cardinal Newman is popular. It is a natural occurrence for all who attend this school. This connection is liked by CN students because it gives them someone to relate to since serious bromancers are almost identical in personality as well as appearance. Also, if you ever encounter a partner project in a class you immediately know who you are going to pick with the relief that that person will pick you back.

Take note that two guys in a bromance do not recognize it. Only those outside this sacred connection can perceive it. If you attempt to point out to two guys that they have this relationship you will be swiftly denied and slightly disliked. If you sincerely wish not to be disliked by the people you irritated then you should try to form your own bromance and then you will be understood by bromancers you annoyed. However, this bond cannot be suddenly formed as it can take up to several years to find your true bro-soulmate.

A bromance can improve your life where a heterosexual relationship fails. Because of this reason, many guys prefer a bromance to a troubling romance with a female. Your bro-partner will be low maintenance and always fun to be around. When together you don’t have to worry about looking good and any mock sensitivity and expensive gifts can be forgotten. It is guaranteed that a bromance relationship will be stable and always long term. With these relationships there is usually very little tension and since guys are regularly very chill and relaxed, any fight is quickly resolved with a manly hug.

So if you want to find yourself a nice guy to start a bromance with come to Cardinal Newman.

Posh Sports

Zach Fontanes-Halliday

Stuck-up rich kids have long played posh sports intended for the upper class in society: golf, rugby, lacrosse, water polo, etc. These ridiculous sports are played at schools like Harvard, Yale, Stanford, and multiple boarding schools along the East Coast. Cardinal Newman students love to be in this exclusive club.

The definition of posh: fashionable, even elegant, typical or intended for the upper class. The word posh implies a different meaning when regarding sports. More frankly stated, posh means, rich, stuck-up, preppy, and snobby. At Cardinal Newman, many students play these sports because of the status that comes with them. For example, almost every student at Cardinal Newman at one point in their life, played baseball. Although, most Newman students will not play Baseball, a sport for inner city sandlots, simply because it is not posh enough.

To qualify as a posh sport a game needs a combination of: Expensive equipment. Some sort of odd and violent contact. A specific type of field that is different from any other sport. An interesting history that leads to its ‘poshness.’ And just being a little ridiculous.

Here is a list of posh sports that Cardinal Newman has, from least to most posh:

1. Ice hockey. Although this is not a traditional posh sport it is rising in status due to the expensive equipment. Hockey players at the top youth level will at one point have around $1000 worth of gear; yes, that is three zero’s. Another major factor in this sudden rise in status is how rare ice time is. An average team will have practice, if they are lucky, on a Friday night at 9:30. Some of the less unfortunate teams will have 5:00 practices. Either way you go it is brutally posh.

2. Water Polo. Although this sport does not have any expensive equipment (unless you count the pool), the odd and unique type of violence in this sport make up for it. What most people don’t realize about water polo is how violent this sport is. It is common in water polo to scratch and claw an opponent’s skin underwater. In every posh sport, there are ‘civilized’ ways to act barbaric. In water polo, the way to do this is to grab the opponent’s testicles. Unfortunately, for water polo players this is quite a popular thing to do.

3. Lacrosse. This sport meets many of the qualifications for posh sports. In sports, there are many different ways to hit, and hurt people, but in lacrosse, they have found the best way: aimlessly smacking people with a metal pole, which ironically, probably cost the player around $200. Only the best stick will do. Additionally, it is impossible to have a conversation with a group of lacrosse players if you are someone you doesn’t understand the game. For example: “Dude, did you see that swim that Jake pulled on that LSM and then just split the sliding d-pole in two!” Good luck deciphering this posh conversation.

4. Rugby. Cardinal Newman students are very concerned about their reputation. To try and establish their reputation as civilized and cultured, many football players play Rugby in the offseason. Rugby was invented in “Jolly old England,” where rugby is the upper-class sport that all the private schools, much like Cardinal Newman, play

5. Fencing. Although Cardinal Newman does not currently have a fencing team, they did at one point did have one. And this sport is so ridiculous that it deserves to be on the list. I can understand that sometime in the Middle Ages stabbing people with a sword was a big deal, but we are currently living in the 21st century. The only people still doing this are snobby anglophiles who wished they lived in an old English castle.

6. Golf. This sport has almost every qualification to be a posh sport, but there is one thing that is flawed about putting golf on this list. It is not a sport; this ridiculous sport is technically a hobby. The overall ridiculousness of this sport is what made me rank it as most posh. Who ever thought of this idea must have been smoking something. Who has the idea to take a piece of metal or wood and hit a tiny white ball with it hundreds of yards into small holes over the course of six hours? And of course, the ultimatum of posh sports is not only played at Cardinal Newman, but the team practices at the local private club instead of the public course. Do I need to say more?

Be careful never to accept an invitation to see one of these ridiculous sports in action. You will sit and stare for multiple hours in amazement wondering what the rules are and why anyone still plays these pretentious games.

Saturday Night Live

Peter Strauch

Since Cardinal Newman students get so many days off of school, it is only normal that they watch a lot of TV. But what kind of TV program could appeal to all types of Cardinal Newman students? The show must be smart (but not too smart), politically savvy, and suggestive enough to satisfy the most avid of penis graffiti artists. That show would be Saturday Night Live.

Saturday Night Live (SNL) is usually on TV at 11:30 Saturday nights (Duh!). This timeslot is perfect because Cardinal Newman students usually stay up late surfing channels instead of doing their homework. But why do students love SNL so much? It’s comical and it makes fun of the President, but then again, so does FOX News. The answer is actually quite obvious: the sexual innuendo. Yes, Cardinal Newman students love finding sex references in everything, from the Bible to mathematical equations, and everything in between.

To the average Cardinal Newman student, the “Schweaty Balls” skit is funny no matter how many dozen times a student watches it. In this skit, famed baker Pete Schweaty lets the two women interviewers sample his delectably succulent Christmas treat. The same goes for the timeless “Wii Guys” skit (see picture) where we find Alec Baldwin shaking his Wii-mote with great vigor and Robert De Niro’s “Terrorist Watchlist” skit where college students nationwide call in to report terrorist activity from terrorists such as M’Balz Es-Hari. These skits are incredibly immature, but that’s okay because the skits remind Cardinal Newman students a lot about themselves.

When talking to a Cardinal Newman student about SNL, it is important to remember that Saturday Night Live wasn’t funny in the late 80s and early 90s, and that you should steer clear of any jokes made in that period. To accurately gauge this time period, start when Eddie Murphy left the show and end when Will Ferrell joined the show. Instead, reference a political figure lampooned on the show, maybe George W. Bush or Sarah Palin. Cardinal Newman students really like to pretend they are interested in politics, and not just in football and penis jokes.


Joshua Gluch

Imagine trudging through the woods, gun or bow in hand, brush scraping your arms, then you see it: the meat isle in the closest supermarket. Students at Cardinal Newman really like hunting. Could you believe that some would rather actually go hunting than just pick up some meat at the store? For these extremists, there is a complex system used to prepare for a hunt.

The first step is to make sure our hunter has the nicest gun and ammunition to shoot. If our hunter doesn’t, it calls for a trip to a sporting goods store. While there, our hunter also may pick up other supplies such as camouflage pants and shirts. Another necessity is deer calls. Next are scent eliminators; Cardinal Newman students should consider wearing these to school especially on blistering days in scorching, stuffy classrooms. Lastly are deer scents, such as “Doe in Heat.” No joke. This exists. I will resist making any jokes about it. The next step is where the hunter either is lucky and owns property (animals must be included) or he pays a lot of money to go hunting on someone else’s land. Another possible fee is if our hunter does something wrong, then the game warden gets to fine him anywhere between a few thousand to a few hundred thousand dollars and maybe even jail time. This makes the warden happy because this pays his salary and maybe will get him a raise. This is actually a joy to CN students because they absolutely adore very expensive hobbies.

Cardinal Newman students also enjoy how dangerous hunting is. They love the idea that they could get mauled by a bear, jumped by a mountain lion, or run over by a whitetail deer; this would be great for them because they could brag about this to the girls up at Ursuline. Even merely just tripping on a stick and falling a few hundred feet down a hillside can ruin a great hunting trip because Cardinal Newman students like to be hunters but don’t like to get their expensive, designer shirts soiled. In any case, this could potentially cost between $5,000 and $30,000 or death. There may also be the worst hunter humiliation of all: the helicopter. Nobody wants to be the coward that has to be airlifted from their macho hunting trip because of a broken neck or spine, except Cardinal Newman students. This is a great way of attracting attention to themselves and showing off.

Getting lost can happen way too easily. Most Cardinal Newman students would like to bring a GPS because they can’t be away from their cell phones. Since their cell phones never work when hunting, CN students have to find an expensive alternative. Note: The GPS has to be a very expensive, top-of-the-line item because CN students can never be seen with something cheap. It damages their sensitive reputations and egos. Too bad Garmin didn’t start a service that CN students would be sure to pay for: texting from GPS to cell phone.

Despite all these dangers and expenses, Cardinal Newman students like leaving behind their gated, super-sterilized suburban mini-mansions and Ralph Luaren Polo shirts, collars turned up of course, for the wilderness and all it has to offer.

Plaid Shirts

Andy Robertson

In some cultures and societies, getting to know someone can simply mean looking at the clothes they wear. At Cardinal Newman, the students love clothing and appearances. One popular item, besides Vans shoes, hooded sweatshirts and white shirts and ties, is plaid shirts. Because of the school’s dress code, students are required to wear collared shirts to school. Although this is a bit of a restriction, the students like to get creative and try to dress stylishly. The plaid shirt is a captivating mix between a dress shirt and a Scottish kilt is well liked for its coolness and awesomeness.

Plaid shirts, it seems, are the most popular shirts among students at Cardinal Newman. Plaid shirts used to be worn by the workingman, especially those working on a farm with a pair of denim overalls. Historically, they have been worn for their functionality and durability. This is not the case anymore. The main reason Cardinal Newman students prefer this style of shirt is, honestly, because they are “trendy”. The designers have taken a normal design that can be found on a pair of old pajama pants, and turned it into a brand new fashion sensation. They are for sale in stores across the board: American Eagle, Abercrombie and Fitch, and on the other end of the spectrum, Sears and T.J. Max.

To the untrained eye, it may seem that all of these shirts are the same except for the colors. Actually, this is far from the truth. Plaid shirts can vary in many ways: bright or dull, tight or baggy, long-sleeved versus short-sleeved. Each type of student can be associated with a general style. You’ll find the more conservative student wearing the smaller plaid pattern; the more casual student may don a looser fitting flannel style, while the trendier student will wear a tighter fitting designer shirt. Others will choose to wear a long-sleeved plaid shirt one day, and a short-sleeved one another day so as not to be monotonous. The photos above are a few examples of plaid shirts one might find at Cardinal Newman.

Regardless of the type of plaid shirt, it is also good to be aware that finding a really great plaid shirt in a store is considered to be a major event in a Cardinal Newman student’s life. For many students, it is valued as one of their most prized possessions. They will iron it and keep it clean so that they are able to wear as much as possible. You will never meet a Cardinal Newman student who owns just one plaid shirt. They will have a full arsenal of plaid shirts with a variety of colors and patterns. They also have plaid shirts that are designated as “undershirts”. These will be worn with a tasteful sweater to give the outfit a more formal look.

Because of Cardinal Newman students’ love for plaid shirts it is not hard to find something that they would like for their birthday. Therefore, if you are seeking friendship from a Cardinal Newman student, it is a good idea to wear a plaid shirt while around them. One might even be able to start a discussion with a Newman student by simply asking, “Got any plaid shirts?”

Immature Comedies

Ben Buse

Students at Cardinal Newman are very different from one another, but they share one common obsession: immature movies. If you are interested in having lively conversations with Cardinal Newman students, you must be ready to fire off a couple of quotes from an immature comedy or risk having your conversations turn out to be totally lame and your reputation all but destroyed.

To prepare yourself with an encounter with a Newman student you must understand what exactly counts as an immature movie. Examples are Harold and Kumar, The Hangover and pretty much anything with Seth Rogan or Will Ferrell, two actors that star in many immature comedies. If you come across a movie, but are unsure if it’s counts as a immature comedy, ask yourself one question. Would a girl watch this? If not, it is safe to quote.

When having a conversation with a group of Newman students you must be precise when it comes to using your quotes. After a kid tells a story, it is good to throw in a “Hey, that reminds me of a scene from___________” (insert an immature movie and recite your quote). If someone else beat you to this, it is good to say another quote from the same movie. It makes you sound in-the-know because you demonstrate you are well-versed in the best films. Soon everyone will be reciting quotes and you will be accepted into their group.

A way to meet new friends at Cardinal Newman is to simply know their favorite immature movie. If you can possess this knowledge, they’ll start talking about the movie and other stupid and immature stuff. If you find his talk funny and amusing it is recommended that you transfer to Cardinal Newman to be with more of your kind. If you have more refined movie tastes however, do your best to look interested. Try to find common ground by quoting the least mature comedies you have seen.

One final lesson is to never quote too much from one movie. If you do so, the students will call you obsessed and shun you. It is not cool to know any one movie too well. That’s dorky. If you have only seen one immature comedy, you can simply observe groups of Newman students. With careful observation over a day or two, you will be able to recite almost half of a movie you haven’t seen. And Mr. Smith, our astute English teacher, wonders why we can’t memorize words from the Literary Terms For the Discussion of Literature vocabulary list.

European Handball

Tomas Zegarra

Hidden among the abundance of sports that Cardinal Newman High School possesses is another great game. This game is popular among freshmen, played during P.E. class, and deserves to become a full-fledged sport. This game originated in Europe, where it has gained enormous popularity. Now it has found a new home at Cardinal Newman. When one first hears its name, and thinks of the elementary school game that involves hitting a ball against a board, one could not be more wrong. The game is European Handball, and this sport is with more intensity by CN students than any other sport known to man.

European Handball combines the speed of soccer, and the roughness of football. Here are some ground rules for the game: One small circular game ball that is a little bit smaller than a basketball is used. At Cardinal Newman, it does not matter what players are on each team as long as it is even and fair. Though Cardinal Newman students play in the gym and professionals play on a field, Cardinal Newman’s version might be a bit easier to understand. The main goal is to throw the ball at the goal.

The defense only has to intercept or wrap up the player with the ball in order to get a turnover. The offense cannot enter a large crease (size differs in America and Europe) without passing it to a power forward in a small portion of that crease. The forward can then throw the ball into the goal at point-blank range without it being caught by the goalie. The defense needs to be on their toes, as they only have to push the opposing player out of the smaller crease, in order to create a turnover. A player receiving a pass cannot move, and only has a couple of steps to throw the ball to the nearest teammate. We can’t lay out people so drop that thought, unless you want the opposing team to have a free penalty shot.

The sport is amazingly competitive at Cardinal Newman, especially among freshmen. The best goalie, most amazing catch, interception, or block, have been discussed for many hours among the Cardinal Newman students. If you make a great play, you can become a legend. Luckily, there have been no fights, only people being flung into the air, bruised arms and knees, and bloody mouths--only the minor injuries that result from any contact sport. CN students love this sport mainly because it is a manly sport, as is big trucks, and man hugs. CN students like that they come away with bruises and scars that help them make up exaggerated stories to tell the girls of Ursuline. We also like handball is a part of European culture as well, such as BMW’s and rugby, or writhing courageous things on the campus walls in Latin. European Handball will remain a treasured sport in Cardinal Newman forever.

Vans Shoes

Andrew Shupe

Shoe styles of CN students change very quickly. A popular shoe can turn out of style very easily. Such as many CN students like moccasin shoes but will soon lose interest. But, one shoe company CN students have never stopped liking.

Vans skate shoes have never gone out of style. These shoes where made a very long time ago but, CN students some how think that they are the holy grail of all shoes. At the CN dances you will see the long row of vans shoes outside the door.

Why do CN students find these shoes so delectably attractive? They love these shoes because everyone around them loves these shoes. The CN students have worn Vans shoes over and over like broken record. When will this shoe tyranny end? No one knows.

CN students had to make something so that Vans wouldn’t go out of style. So CN students started wearing black mid-calf vans socks. This way you can look in style with your vans shoes and retro with socks. The really intense Vans wearers will accompany their Vans shoes with two pairs of high socks. CN students think this will make them twice as retro.

Many CN students think skaters are totally lame. But what they don’t understand is that the vans shoes they are wearing were made for these lame skaters. So the next you see someone wearing Vans you can tell them, “Hey, I didn’t know you wore Vans, I thought those were only for lame skater kids.” They will reply “No, I just think there cool shoes, I can express my individual style with shoes that half of the other people in this grade are also wearing.” You can reply, “Oh, I’m so sorry I totally misjudged you.”

In conclusion, you should never confront a group of Vans wearing mid-calf sock wearing hooligans with this question. You might be beaten with abnormally long key chains hanging from their skinny jeans, which hold the keys to their precious pickup truck.

Monday, February 1, 2010

Girls with Uggs

Jonathan Gruber

Usually when a Cardinal Newman student meets a girl, he tries to find out if she is a desirable person. A typical student may ask himself, “Does she have the curves?” A Newman student will ask, “Does she have the boots with the fur?” It is a proven fact that girls that wear Australian Ugg boots are far more popular than girls who wear other footwear such as Dutch Clogs or Iroquois Indian Moccasins, or even Vans or flip-flops.

If you don’t know what Ugg boots are (You are a social outcast if you don’t), here is a description of them and their history. Wikipedia says, “The Ugg boot style is believed to have originated in Australia or New Zealand. World War I pilots wore them for warmth in unpressurized planes. Surfers and competitive swimmers wore them for keeping warm while out of the water. In the early 2000s, they became a fashion trend in the U.S.” The name “Uggs” has started to become the most common name of this footwear. Wikipedia describes them as “a style of sheepskin boots lined with wool on the inside and with a tanned outer surface. Ugg boots have a synthetic sole, although this is not universal. Heights range from around the ankle to above the knee. They are available in a range of different colors as both slip-on and lace-up varieties.”

Megan Fox, Heidi Klum, Jessica Alba, and Katherine Heigl are a few of the many famous celebrity hotties that have been spotted wearing Ugg boots. In Flo Rida’s hit song “Low,” he sings, “…Apple Bottom Jeans, boots with the fur, the whole club was lookin’ at her.” Clearly, Ugg boots are part of the perfect outfit. (If you don’t know who all of these celebrities are or how to sing the chorus to “Low” right now, you are a loser and likely don’t wear Uggs.)

Most people who are not popular wouldn’t categorize these as stylish. They would generally think that they are used to keep warm. Oftentimes, this is not true; uggs are most commonly worn on hot days with a mini-skirt and a small top. What they don’t realize, however, is that they have already become one of the most popular types of footwear among women between the ages of 12 and 32. (If you are not good-looking, Uggs may increase your chance of getting a man, but nothing will be guaranteed. If you are hot and wear Uggs, it is an absolute certainty.)

Oftentimes, a female wearing Uggs is a sign that she has grown out of her nerdy stage and has turned into a cool woman. As a matter of fact, if you went to school with a nerdy girl who moved to a big city, there is a good chance that the next time you meet her she will be wearing Uggs and be “ultra chic.”

If you are ever introduced to a group of people and one girl is wearing Uggs, it is a good idea to befriend her before anyone else. She is most likely the coolest.

Crew Socks

Zack Reyes

As Spring time approaches, Cardinal Newman students will begin wearing their spring time jean, cargo, or plaid shorts to school in lieu of the very common blue jeans. Shorts allow Cardinal Newman students to show off the widely popular crew socks.

The combination of crew socks and shorts have become the newest trend around the Cardinal Newman campus and can also be occasionally seen at the Ursuline campus as well. The brand of crew socks worn with shorts are either Vans or Nikes; no other brands of crew socks are acceptable on the Newman campus. Sometimes students will even combine two different colored socks together in attempt to complete an outfit or to appear original and creative.

Crew socks became increasingly popular when teenagers around Sonoma County began wearing crew Vans and Nike socks and the trend has rapidly swept the students of Cardinal Newman. The combination of shorts and crew socks can be seen everywhere on campus on hot and sometimes even on rainy days. The decision to wear or to not wear crew socks is based on personal preference among the Cardinal Newman students; whether you want to fit in and be cool, or want to be a dork and an outcast.

There are a few reasons as to why crew socks have become increasingly popular on the Newman campus. One reason is because of the large population of jocks that wear crew socks. Another reason why Newman students wear crew socks is they want to show off their “special” brand name socks which reveals that they are rich which Newman students love. A third reason why Newman students wear crew socks is they like to fit in and be like everyone else, and want to be recognized by their fellow classmates for their fashionable new socks.

Crew socks can now also be seen on both the Newman basketball court and the Newman football field. This makes you wonder how far Newman students will take this crew sock trend and when or if it will ever end. Just in case this trend never leaves, I would go out and buy some crew socks if you want to fit in at Cardinal Newman. The days of ankle and low socks are over and the days of crew socks have begun and don’t seem to be leaving anytime soon.

South Park

Thomas Cline

Some adults think that kids find the typical TV comedies funny: 30 Rock, Leno, and Chuck. The truth is that this “safe” TV humor really sucks. Ask anyone at Newman and they will vouch that South Park is far, far, far more hilarious. The main reasons for this favoritism is the fact that South Park has more swearing than most shows, absurd imagery, crazy characters, and satirical views of problems throughout the world. Newman students love it.

Knowing each character and how they act is crucial knowledge should you decide to talk about South Park to a Newman student. For instance, if someone mentions one of the ways that Kenny dies, and there are a lot, you laugh at it because it always happens and Kenny is always somehow back for the next episode. Also, do not bring up any of the enlightening moments from Stan or Kyle. One of the quotes that I think of most is one that Kyle said, “I think that parents only get so offended by television because they rely on it as a babysitter and the sole educator of their kids.” The students of Cardinal Newman are likely not going to understand it because those insights were often directed at Cartman. Cartman, being himself, would not understand it and either be angered by it, say whatever, or laugh at it. In this case, Cartman stated how his mother lets him watch whatever he wants. This is extremely ironic considering how the characters act. Newman students, if faced with one of the insights, will mock whoever brought it up because they see it as a joke, not something philosophical.

Newman students especially like South Park because it has brought up many sensitive and controversial issues. Whether it had to do with disabled people, religions, stereotypes, political figures, or otherwise, South Park has or will make fun of it in some way. For instance, most, if not all, students who watch South Park had watched or played the Pokémon shows or games when they were younger. South Park creators made an episode revolving around the children’s obsession with the Japanese franchise “Chinpokémon”. Through their obsession they were made into suicide bombers for Japan. Newman students who have watched that episode will remember it at the mention of “Chinpokémon” and have a good laugh. South Park constantly looks at the current media and draws their satire from it. If it’s been on the news, it may be on South Park.

It is important to remember that should you mention South Park to a Newman student (and expect to hold an actual conversation about it) you should make sure that you have watched the most recent episode. This will show that you are keeping up with the series. You should also go back and watch some of the older episodes to prove that you did not just start watching as a hope to fit in. Having watched more episodes should help because it will give you a wider choice of options should South Park enter the conversation. Certain episodes, such as Ladder to Heaven, Simpsons Did It, Cartman at Fat Camp, and Jesus Fighting Satan, are must sees because they are classics to Newman students’. The most memorable episode was probably the 3-part Imaginationland special. In the episodes, the boys discover that there is a land where whatever anyone has imagined is real. Among other things, terrorists invade and man-bear-pig escapes. In the end, Kyle losses a bet he didn't think he could and does not hold up his end so Cartman imagines it so (To see what demonic thing Cartman had envisioned and what Kyle does, you’ll just have to watch it, it is too funny for the blog).

If none of that is working, you may need to resort to Cartman quotes. Cartman is most remembered for the things he has said. Some of his most famous phrases include: “Kyle you Jew!” “Respect my authoority”and, “Sweeet”. If none of these work you have 3 options left: “Hey do you like fish sticks?” “Oh my God, they killed Kenny!” and finally, “Screw you guys, I’m going home.” Any of those phrases will bring a smile to a Cardinal Newman student’s face.

Cafe Merici's Small Pizzas

Brandon Knepper

Having already finished the morning classes and break, every single Cardinal Newman student will make his way up to the covered eating area to stand in a line that continuously grows larger every 30 seconds after lunch begins.
Why you may ask?

Small pizza. This coveted little food item is as popular as Ursuline’s hottest cheerleader, or Newman’s biggest athlete. The difference though, is its ability to be purchased, and so it is bought by almost every student everyday.

This small pizza is a personal pizza, about 6” in diameter, that comes on a paper plate just a few inches larger. The combination of hot oozing cheese and greasy circular disks of pepperoni are divine. Eating it requires at least five to ten large napkins depending if you eat it civilized or devour it like an animal. Although they aren’t that good heat lamp warmed frozen pizzas, students love them because other options are healthier, bad pizza beats good food, and by the time lunch begins they are starving. When the pizza has finished its hours of patient waiting, it may even be accompanied by a Caesar Salad for 50 cents or a 16-ounce Fountain Beverage for a dollar.

Although this may be mind-blowingly unhealthy, please note that these Newman students are very athletic and need these pizzas to fulfill their calorie requirements.

If you ever encounter a Newman student and want to be popular or make a friend, you must buy one of these small pizzas. He will then immediately say “Hey you have one too!” or “Nice to meet you fellow Cardinal.” If you meet an Ursuline student however, she will say something like “Hey you and your small pizza are so handsome, come sit with me.” or “Hi I’m _________ you and your sexy small pizza should definitely hang with me and my friend.

Once the small pizza is eaten or gone, you are just a normal person and should proceed sadly towards the nearest exit with caution.

Also, it is highly unadvised to purchase the more expensive, yet extremely unpopular Panini. It has a very low production rate, and therefore must be made completely fresh and may even include healthy ingredients. Doing this will bring shame on you and your identity for years to come.

Offending Teams at Sporting Events

Nick Bailey

All high schools throughout the country promote “good sportsmanship”, and Cardinal Newman High School is no different. This skill is so important to Cardinal Newman faculty, but not the students. One of their favorite hobbies is based directly on their desire to occasionally not be “Christian gentlemen” -- offending opposing teams at sporting events.

Naturally, Cardinal Newman students do not get offended easily by insults from other schools due to their great sportsmanship, yet the students have mastered the art of frustrating their opponents so much that their rivals want to just give up on life. This unique combination of being non-offendable and somewhat offensive at the same time makes Cardinal Newman a tough place for other teams to win games, and a fun place for any Cardinal Newman student to watch a sporting event.

It is important to note that while Cardinal Newman students cause their opponents to develop extremely low confidence in themselves and the schools they attend, the students are not directly insulting the opponents. There is a huge difference between the chants “Your Team Sucks!” and “Na Na Na Na, Hey Hey, Goodbye!” One comes from a school of self-centered, hateful kids who have no respect for anybody, and the other comes from Cardinal Newman. The students are clever enough to simply suggest that the other team will lose, not plainly state it. In this way, Cardinal Newman respects the feelings of other students while insulting them at the same time.

Previously mentioned, Cardinal Newman students have a strategy to what they do. The students have a variety of chants ready to use at all times, and also a pack of seniors nearby to make up things to say if they run out. However, this poses a chance for error if somehow a senior really is not paying attention and starts a “Defense!” chant when the Cardinal Newman team is actually on offense. If this error occurs, the Cardinal Newman squad quickly ends the chant and starts a new one, such as “This Game’s Over!”.

An interesting point to note is that Cardinal Newman students are their most offensive if the opposing school starts cheering the “Our School’s Free!” chant. This will start the famous “Your Dad Works for Our Dad!”, but teachers pop out from the crowd and give an evil look while yelling at us to zip it.

If you ever need to befriend a Cardinal Newman student, one of the easiest ways to do this is to get up from your team’s cheering section, walk over to the Cardinal Newman section, and start cheering for the Cardinal Newman team. (Note: this will not work if you go to Newman and try to cheer for the opposing team; you will get beat up. There is no avoiding it.) If you want to make an enemy out of Cardinal Newman, start cheering and try to be louder than Newman. You will find this impossible, and extremely embarrassing when you fail.

Being Hated

Erik Owenson

Everyone adores that feeling of being loved by someone else. But one thing that Cardinal Newman students love more than being loved is being hated.

Cardinal Newman students take it as a genuine compliment when someone insults their school. They love it when people say, “Newman sucks,” and “Newman is gay!” You’re probably thinking why do Newman students love these unfriendly and politically incorrect comments thrown towards them? Newman students assume that these aggressive insults are said because of jealousy. To Cardinal Newman, their jealousy is a form of admiration and great respect for Cardinal Newman High School.

Of course the haters would want to go to school where the students have a better chance to get into a top college. Cardinal Newman High School has a really high level of athletic ability. Many of the students have made it through to play college sports. Newman’s football teams, basketball teams and many other teams, pretty much dominate. The school has achieved many championships over the years in a variety of sports. The students know it’s always a good feeling when they walk into class the next day with a big smile, with yet another win under their belt. They get this wonderful feeling knowing that the school they defeated is feeling the opposite way. Newman’s opponents hate us because they can’t beat us. This is just one of the many reasons why they hate Newman. CN students love their hate because we know what caused it.

Why wouldn’t they want to go here? Some of the haters say, “’Cause it’s a sausage fest!” Well sorry, not true. It’s actually better with all guys because the classes are more fun. When the Newman students hear comments along these lines, they think, ‘wow, they have no clue how much they are missing out on.’ Teachers like Mr. Guillen and Mr. Foppoli say things that would never be said in the presence of fine young ladies. These funny comments make the Cardinal Newman that much more enjoyable. The students at Newman feel more intelligent and mature after hearing really immature comments from people that do not know what they are talking about. Incidentally, Cardinal Newman has their own all girls’ school right next door. An all girls school just for them! They get to go hang out up there whenever they want. The people that don’t like Newman can’t say much about that.

Cardinal Newman kids love being rich. Who doesn’t want to be rich? Unfortunately, many people secretly wish they can go there, but sadly just can’t afford it. This feeds the haters’ fire that’s burning inside them and gets them angrier. On the other hand, Newman students realize that they are fortunate to have such a good opportunity at CNHS. The hatred stowed upon Newman is a good reminder why the students are lucky to benefit from Cardinal Newman. The reminder is yet again another reason why we love being hated.

Unlike other schools, Cardinal Newman has a special fraternity and unity lacking at other schools. Everyone wants this sense of community. We don’t have a group for jocks, geeks, bullies, or performing artists (See Dalton Bertolone’s essay “Not Supporting the Arts”). Here at Cardinal Newman, we have a band, that is, a band of brothers, and we will, we will, rock you.

Being hated is great because we not only know that the haters are just truly jealous of our beautiful ladies, winning sports programs, stunning looks and incredible smarts, but we can easily defend shallow remarks. It makes their hatred that much sweeter to chuckle at and dismiss.

To all the Newman haters, thank you for making Cardinal Newman feel special. Whether or not Newman students are hated because of jealousy or because they are jerks, the fact remains, Cardinal Newman students love being hated.


Aidan Eljumaily

Upon examination of Cardinal Newman students, they will appear odd, yet they will have many interesting traits about them. Other than kid’s wondering about what grades they’re going to get, Cardinal Newman of all ages are determined to look as stylin’ as possible. What good are grades to anyone when you can go to the mall, get some great deals, and walk into a party lookin fresh? Why is getting into a good college exciting when you can get some crazy rad Nikes and get an amount of compliments larger than your GPA? Truth is, Cardinal Newman students like looking good.

Newman is seen as a manly school, one with sports and academics, pride and success. Yet one little tuft of hair sticking out the wrong way or one “flat tire” that messes up the arrangement of pant legs on shoes and a Newman dude becomes unhinged! In fact some are more vain than the local male hairstylist, NOT the one that sits there talking about how much he hates his job. The one talking about his new of Abercrombie and Fitch outfit.

There will be times when you see the odd student walking by in some old jeans, maybe some khaki shorts, and an old pair of shoes. These times are rare though. Mostly, we are chillin with two pairs of nike socks, some nice kicks, and walking around with our pants on the ground and a nice little strut about us.  Another thing that only the upper tier of stylish Cardinal Newman students rock is the Sweater Vest, or swirt. Many will at first rag on these vests, or swirts, and claim these people to be “a joke”. Yet something comes over them. They feel hypocritical. The undeniable need and want to wear this attire comes over them, but their self-esteem does not allow them to. That is why only on special occasions you see a Newman student confident enough to walk about with these vests.

Also, the bottom half of a student’s wardrobe would be quite a sight for someone not clued in. For the average Newman student, though, it just seems logical. Why not wear two pairs of socks instead of one? Pants? Well they do have to wear pants, but who really needs them? They’ll just bend the rules a bit and keep those around their knees as much as possible. Therefore, these students achieve maximum insulation around the lower area of their legs.

Once they have at least two pairs of socks on and a pair of jeans under their butt cheeks, these kids seek to find a sick pair of sneaks and a savvy strut to go with them. There are many different ways a walk can be performed. They sometimes go with the pigeon toed walk, where the feet are just a bit tilted inside to give off the essence of cool. Some can even pull off the cocky-walk, where only the coolest of cool strut about with their hands in their pockets, lifting up their pants every fourth step, only to push said pants back down to the original position.

I hope that after reading this, one would find that one of the things most Cardinal Newman students hold dear is their looks, their style. So the next time you see a Newman Student walking around, don’t admire him for the care and attention he gives to his grades, sports, and community service. Admire him for his style. Because just like you, he spent an hour before school tucking in his shirt haphazardly and messing up his hair in a way that looks like he just got out of bed.

Taco Bell

Devon Holmes

For Newman students, there is no tastier meal than a hot, greasy, saturated in fat taco from Taco Bell. These unhealthy tacos are the basis of all Cardinal Newman students’ diets. Without Taco Bell, Newman students would look pale and weak, not to mention they would probably weigh fifteen pounds less. Newman students love Taco Bell so much because it is cheap, fast, and the chain’s huge menu lets customers try something new each time they go there. And at some Taco Bells, you have the opportunity to order a Pizza Hut pizza, in case you are not in the mood for taco greatness. At Cardinal Newman, you are considered lame if you do not eat regularly at Taco Bell.

The most popular item on the Taco Bell menu for Newman students is the Crunchwrap Supreme. Newman students love this item so much because it’s portability allows customers to multi-task while they eat. It is true, they are “good to go” as the Taco Bell commercial claims. Not only is this item delicious and portable, it is also only $2.50. For being rich, Newman kids are very careful with their money. In fact, they are so careful with their money that they would rather spend $5 at Taco Bell, than drive their $40,000 cars across the street to Jaliscos to get some real authentic Mexican food for $10. Is saving the 5 dollars on grease soaked tacos really worth the years of heart failure they will experience when they turn 40? Cardinal Newman students think it is more than worth it.

Taco Bell is the place to go after football games or basketball games. There is always at least one group of Newman students ordering some delicious cuisine after a game. On other days, you are very likely to find a pair of Newman students involved in a “bromance,” sitting together at their favorite booth by the window, sharing the same bean and cheese burrito Lady and the Tramp style. If you are unfortunate enough to witness this, don’t be alarmed. This is a normal occurrence at the Santa Rosa Junior College Taco Bell.

Newman students without a doubt are the best at ordering their food at Taco Bell. Because many workers at Taco Bell don’t speak English, Newman students have learned to communicate with the workers using their own secret language. After years of ordering at Taco Bell, Newman students and Taco Bell workers have developed a deep understanding of each other. This deep understanding allows Newman students to successfully order their food by simply using hand motions. Others have tried to imitate the Newman way of ordering at Taco Bell, but have failed historically.

There is no denying it; to Newman students, Taco Bell is a five star restaurant that can be enjoyed on any occasion, whether it is a midnight snack or a fancy dinner that you might take your homecoming date to. If you are a girl seeking the heart of a Newman student, be sure to take him to Taco Bell on your first date. The Newman student will look at you with wonder and awe, and know that you are the girl he has been waiting for his whole life. Don’t complain if the Newman student starts taking you to Taco Bell every day. If he had to choose between you and his Crunchwrap Supreme, he will most certainly pick the Crunchwrap Supreme.