Mr. Foppoli

Justin Beach

A teenage boy’s obsession with a cooler older male is a completely normal thing, especially at Cardinal Newman. Newman students have gone gaga over prominent Newman figures before, some of them being: quarterback Randy Wright, Coach Paul Cronin, and surprisingly even teacher Mr. Smith. However, the latest man crush is nothing short of guy worship. His name is Mr. Joe Foppoli, or as his closest admirers calls him, Joey. To a Newman student, Joey is a god, a male teacher to whom ‘hipsters’ can relate. With his hair greased violently back, his goatee, and his serpent like qualities, Joe wouldn’t seem the type for a man crush. Yet, Newman students adore this Public Speaking Teacher.

Newman students have a thing for guys, especially when the guy is a young, wise-cracking Italian. Included in this man-package is a deep knowledge of hip-hop music and endless stories of his disrespectful children. Why else would they love Joe? Well, one reason is that Newman students love quotes. One way for a public school student to pick out a Newman student is to watch for their over use of the phrases, “Like a boss!” or “I’m on a boat!” Newman students also love quoting movies such as The Hangover to the point where they’ve unknowingly ruined the joke. After a hundred times, quoting Alan just isn’t funny anymore. Joey is deeply quotable, so of course Newman students fell head over heels for him. His phrases that feature the most colorful words are a hit on campus.

For every class, there is a unique level of worship. Most Newman freshmen boys have never witnessed such a cool teacher. While in his presence, they are too stunned to do anything but giggle like Ursuline girls at the swear words that may stream from his serpentine tongue. Even though sophomores get more Joe Time (time spent around Mr. Foppoli) than freshmen, conversations are limited and they treasure every moment. Juniors are at a completely different level of Joe time. Though most upperclassmen are able to be cool and interesting around Joey, some let their guard down and make a joke a freshman would say. These students have little chance of recovering from this misstep. Of course, every student dreams of becoming a senior just so, as they will think to themselves, “ Oh, I’m finally cool enough to be close to The One.”

Note: If you are ever talking with a Newman student, always end the conversation with, “Yeah, I know. I was just talking about this with Mr. Foppoli.” The Newman student will suddenly realize that you are a man of tastes and extraordinary wisdom and they will forever respect you.